RaisingDad

Our father told me he was happy to hear that the girl got rescued.    “What girl, pop?” I asked him.    He was talking about that poor girl who went on a hike in Hawaii and was lost for two weeks.   “That’s my biggest fear about your brother when he goes on one of his hikes,” he said.   “That he’ll get lost?”   “That he’ll get rescued.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Contemplating your upcoming cruise to Alaska, dad told me: “Son, NEVER trust an eskimo!"      Then he told me about an eskimo tribe in Alaska that went on a robbing/killing spree, targeting tourists on a cruise. They would sail small boats to the side of the cruise ship, throw hooks over the rails, and--fat as they were--they'd climb up and over the sides. Why didn't the cruise people fight them off? There were just too many of them,  hermano . They just overwhelmed the ship like the women lining up outside the courthouse to file sexual harassment charges against you. They took the captain hostage and held him for ransom on one of their boats. President Trump finally had to send FERRET Force Five--the top secret Special Ops team I used to be a member of--to rescue the captain. There were five men, plus the captain, and the FERRETs assigned six snipers to take them out. Five were to shoot the renegade eskimos, and the sixth sniper was to take out the captain should th...

Our father, thinking about your upcoming cruise to Alaska, told me that, as an act of hospitality, eskimo men will offer male guests their wives to sleep with.     “Really, pop?” I said.     “Yeah," he told me. "I don’t think we’ll ever see your brother again.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

SPF clothing never  occurred to me.      It was our father who gave me the idea when he noticed how much darker my left arm is compared to my right.      “You drive in the sun all day?” he asked me between bites of his gourmet enchiladas.      I told him I did.      “Doesn’t your company give you shirts that protect you from the sun’s rays?” he asked.      I told him they didn’t.      “They should,” he said with a snort. “If your arm cooks in the sun for too long, eventually it’s going to look as bad as your brother’s face.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

I went looking for those SPF sleeves you were telling me about.      I went to Big Five and a few other places at the mall. Couldn’t find them. When I asked, they’d take me to where the compression sleeves were. For basketball. You know, compression sleeves for elbows and knees.       I told them I wouldn’t need SPF protection playing basketball indoors, and then explained exactly what I was looking for.      “What?” they said.      It was like you talking with your Mac in his last few years.      “It’s for hiking,” I further explained.       One clerk gave that additional thought.      “Who told you about them?” he finally said. “Trump?”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

The last time I ate at In-N-Out, by mistake, instead of asking for my burger Animal-Style, I asked for it Doggy-Style.      It came with a picture of Chelsea Clinton.       RaisingDad RaisiongMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Our sister posted on Facebook that she heard you were at death’s door with the flu, so she took over a casserole.       Taking a whiff in your direction, she told your wife, “You poor thing. Henry must really be sick!”      “No,” your wife told her. “He always smells that way.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

So when are you and your wife leaving on your cruise?       Anyway, I spoke with our father and this is what he told me:      “I’m so happy your brother is taking a cruise to Alaska."      “That’s nice, pop,” I said.      “That way, I KNOW he won’t be coming here.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

I spoke with our father this morning.     “I’m sorry, son," he told me, "but I’m not feeling well. I’m sad your brother is going on a cruise and will be gone for so long.”     “Don’t be sad, pop,” I told him. “Henry will be back before you know it.”     “That’s what I’m sad about,” he said.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Thanks, brother.     You must have heard about how much weight I’m losing and that’s why you sent me all that leftover holiday candy.     The next time I stand next to you, we’re going to look like the number 10.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

RIP Tim Conway.     I have his autobiography. I’ve been meaning to read it. Now I’ll have to read it with a tear in my eye.     Watching Beto O’Rourke on Tucker Carlson. Don’t know what that guy is apologizing about now. In fact, I don’t know why all the democratic candidates all seem to be apologizing. One thing you can say about Donald Trump, the guy  never  apologizes. He never backtracks either. He always goes full steam ahead. Right or wrong, he’s always moving forward.     20 years married. 20 long years. I asked for 20 SHORT years, but they were out of stock. You and I, at least we can tell ourselves it’s not years spent with our first wives.     So when are you leaving on your cruise? It seems like the trip with no beginning. I spoke with our father today, and even HE asked me, “Hasn’t that bozo left  yet? ”     Those were his exact words.     “No, pop, he hasn’t,...

Thanks for that envelope you’re sending me.     As it turns out, I’m on vacation the next two weeks, and, since you’ll be out of town on your cruise, I could use the money to drive up to where you live, break into your house, and enjoy myself in your pool until you get back.     When you’re on your cruise, I’m sure the friends you’re going with will ask your wife, “Is Henry still suffering with the flu?”     “No,” your wife will assure them, “ he always poops that much.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

I spoke with our father two Saturdays ago, he let it slip how big of a liar you are.     He told me that you told him that you were sick with the flu for FOUR WEEKS!      Man, are you trying to work your way into his will by making him feel sorry for you, or what? That’s probably the same strategy you use to try to get sex from your poor wife.     I came down with the flu. I had one bad Friday at work and then spent the weekend in bed, and I was all better by Monday. Even our hypochondriac brother-in-law laughs at your ailments.     “Don’t people die from the flu?” our father asked me about you.     “Yes, pop,” I told him.     “We should be so lucky.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Our father called me this morning.     He sounded scared.     “Oh, my God!” he said. “I just heard that FOUR people on a cruise to Alaska were KILLED in an airplane crash! Isn't your brother on a cruise to Alaska? Tell me, he wasn't one of them, was he?”     “No, pop,” I assured him. “Henry is alive and well.”     “Gee,” he said, “that’s too bad.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

I spoke with our father  on Monday.      He’s always telling me how much he prays for me and my family.       I thanked him and told him how important his prayers are.       This time I asked him, “Pop, do you ever pray for Henry?”      “I’d course I do,” he told me, surprised that I would even ask such a thing. “I pray he stays away.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene    

I called your  best friend Cali.      “My wife's not in the business anymore,” he said, answering the phone.      “That’s not why I’m calling,” I told him.      “This isn't Robert Kraft?”      “No, Cali. This is Jim. Henry’s brother.”      “Who?”      “Henry.”      “The guy with the big head?”      “Yeah,” I told him. “The reason I’m calling is I want to know the story of how my father came into possession of that hollowed out artillery shell. I heard he caught it from a passing Japanese bomber in the Philippines and saved his platoon during World War Two.”      “Nah,” Cali told me. “That wasn’t it. What happened was a warplane was flying from Fort Bliss over our neighborhood, when they accidentally dropped that shell. We found out later it was that dork John 'Wet Start' McCain who was piloting that aircraft. Anyway, we could all see that shell fal...

I spoke with dad and he told me, “Oh, man! I was so scared this morning!”      “What happened, pop?” I asked him, a bit concerned.      “I got up and, when I got to my bedroom door, I saw my dog in the hallway facing away from me. He was in the middle of squeezing out a big turd!”      I was relieved that it wasn’t anything more serious than that.      “Why did that scare you?” my enquiring mind wanted to know.      “Because, for a moment, I thought it was YOUR BROTHER smoking a CIGAR!”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com My father walks every day--EVERY day--rain or shine.      Today was not only one of the shine days, but it was also one of the hot days. The VERY hot days. I try to pass along this information to him, but if there's one thing I've learned from dealing with my father, it's that I can't deal with my father.     "Pop," I tell him, "it's hot outside."     "No, it's not."     "Sure it is."     "No, it's not."     "I was just outside. It's hot."     "It feels cool to me."     "It feels cool to you because you're inside the house. Outside, it's hot."     My father isn't listening to me. He's trying on the new pair of Nikes I brought him from Tucson.     "Oh, yeah," he tells himself, "these ...