Tuesday, April 21, 2020

The Password

Back before The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, I needed to pass some time when I was out and about, so I stopped into a Starbucks and asked for their Wi-Fi password.
     “You have to buy something first,” the barista told me.
     After paying for my order, he handed me receipt.
     “The password’s on the receipt,” he said as he handed it over.
     The password was: “UHave2BuySomething1st!”
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, April 19, 2020

The Reply

I was packing my bags, getting ready to leave for the airport when I got the text: “I’m here for you.”
     “Thanks,” I wrote back. “Yeah, it’s a bad situation with my father, but I’m sure it will be okay. I just wish the doctor would have some good news for a change. The series of enemas my father has to go through to treat his impacted bowels isn't going to be any fun, but what can I do? The doctor warned me to prepare myself. I asked him how bad it was going to be, since my dad will be treated at home. He said it would be "explosive." And "messy." And who's going to have to clean it up? Me. He's my dad, so I can't leave it for my wife to do. Anyway, thanks for your support, but I've gotta go now. I’m waiting for my Uber driver.”
     “I AM your Uber driver,” came the reply, "and I'm here for you."
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Thursday, April 16, 2020

The Message

Technology is for the young.
     Although we all have smart phones in my household, even my elderly father, we really don’t know how to use them. If I do ten percent of what my phone is able to do, I’d be surprised.
     The other day I left the house to run a few errands, but forgot my phone. No problem. It made for a day of less distractions. When I got back, I found that someone had thoughtfully placed it on my nightstand, but I didn't know who.
     When I checked the messages, there was one from my father, who NEVER texts me. It said: “Don’t worry, I found your phone. It’ll be on your nightstand when you get back.”
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Email To My Brother: The Enema Bag

Our father starts his series of enemas this week. 
     That’s no fun under any circumstances. 
     Remember that big red rubber enemy bag our parents used to have? Now, do you remember it ever being cleaned or sterilized?
      I don’t. 
      I remember that I learned very early on not to complain about any stomach issues I might have had. I also remember dad reminiscing with mom once when they were about to use it on our younger brother when we were kids. I came in on the tail end of the conversation, no pun intended. 

     He said, “And when the doctor said to hang it upside down we thought he meant Henry, so we hung him upside down from the clothesline in the backyard and all the liquid went straight to his head and it filled up like a balloon. His head never shrunk back to the same size, did it? And all our neighbors and the neighborhood kids came by to laugh at him. Now that I think about it, we should have charged them admission to come and stare at him. That’s what the carnivals used to do with their freaks.”
     I never heard our father talk so much. He must have been having a really good time giving you that enema. I know mom thought all your crying was funny.

  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Email To My Brother: Not A Flesh-Eating Bacteria

Our father asked me if the Coronavirus was a flesh-eating bacteria.
     I told him, “No, Henry always looks like that.”
  
  
RaisingDad
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JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  
  

Email To My Brother: Shelter In Place

I told our father that our city has declared a Shelter In Place.
     “What’s that?” he wanted to know.
     “Everyone has to stay at home,” I told him. “Nobody can come, nobody can go.”
     “Oh, thank God! Thank God!” he said.
     “Thank God because we’re containing the Coronavirus?”
     “No, thank God because your brother won’t be visiting.”
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Email To My Brother: Essential Personnel

Someone asked your wife, “Since your husband is retired, is he still considered Essential Personnel?”
     “Not in MY bedroom,” she said.
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Email To My Brother: The Horrible Part

“Holy-moly,” our father told me this morning, “the most horrible thing just happen.”
    “What, pop?”
    “I dreamt your brother caught the Coronavirus and DIED!”
    “That IS horrible,” I told him.
    “The horrible part was when I woke up and realized it wasn’t true!”
  
  
RaisingDad
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Moonheads

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
 
You don’t love your grandchildren more than you love your own kids, but it’s a different kind of love. Maybe the difference is as simple as, by the time your grandkids come around, your own children are grown and you’ve forgotten what it was like when they were babies.
     My grandson is up for anything, so I like to take him hiking and camping with me. In my opinion, winter is the best time to camp because that’s when the creeps and the crooks stay home. When he was about two, we were hiking in the Joshua Tree National Park. Since there was no one else around, I was letting him throw rocks, which I don’t normally let him do.
     “Throw one HARD,” I told him, and he did.
     He let one fly and the rock hit a tree, bounced back, and smacked my poor grandson in the forehead. He cried, but only for awhile. After that, we laughed about it.
     “We’re the only people in a hundred miles, and you have to hit the one tree who got mad and threw it back,” I kidded him.
     He’s older now, but until he came into my life I had forgotten how seriously kids take things. Just the other day he was telling me about a friend of his who told him that when it rains and the sun is out, the devil is beating his wife.
     “It’s in the Bible,” his friend swore.
     “When someone tells me something’s in the Bible,” I told my grandson, “it’s usually not in the Bible.”
     “So the devil’s NOT beating his wife?”
     “I don’t even think the devil is married,” I told him.
     “No?”
     “Well, maybe he is,” I said. “That would explain why he’s so mean.”
     I think the time we spend together is good for my grandson. It gives him a chance to appreciate nature and consider profound considerations.
     "What did God do before he made people?” he once asked me. “Wasn’t he bored?”
     “What do YOU think?” is my go-to response when he asks me something I can’t answer.
     “I’d be bored,” he said, thinking about it. And then he thought about it some more. “What did he do all that time alone?”
     I didn’t know.
     “Why didn't he just make the earth already?”
     Beats me.
     Then he got to what was really on his mind.
     “Why are we here?” he wanted to know. “What’s our purpose in life?"
     Hmm… those were some pretty adult thoughts for such a little kid. It would seem my grandson is no longer the innocent two-year-old throwing rocks at trees. Summoning up all the wisdom I had, I told him to go ask his grandmother.
     “She reads a lot of books,” I said.
     So he asked her.
     "Grandma, what’s our purpose in life?" 
     My wife was stumped.
     “Maybe there is no purpose,” she finally told him.
     Her answer was honest and sincere, and she was as right as anyone can be. There was more truth in those five words than in anything else I've heard or read. We are born, only to grow old. We live, only to die. We love, only to have our loved ones taken from us. Maybe, indeed.
     However, I have to admit that my grandson’s thoughts aren’t always so serious. This past Super Bowl, when he learned there’s a time difference between our state and Florida, he asked me, “If Miami is ahead of us, they should know what happens before we do, right? You should call somebody and find out who wins the Super Bowl, then we could bet money on the winning team.”
     Made sense to me.
     Could Einstein disprove my grandson’s theory?
     Nope.
     Mainly because he’s dead.
     Where my grandson gets these profound considerations, who knows? One cool night I was outside enjoying a cup of coffee when my father joined me. He looked at the sky. It was a clear night, so the stars were sparkling. One in particular caught his eye. It was very bright compared to the others.
     "Look at THAT,” he said, pointing. “That is one bright star.”
     “That’s the North Star,” I told him. “Sailors once used it to navigate the ocean." 
     “The North Star, you say? Why haven’t I seen it before? And they navigated the ocean with it? Hmm...”
     “That’s right, pop,” I said, with all the authority I could muster.
     “Well, it IS the brightest," he said.
     Later I found out it was Venus.
     Don’t ever let me sail the Seven Seas, I guess.
     Good thing I don’t have to depend on astronomy to go camping. Just on which side of a tree moss grows on.
     My grandson and I were again on one of our camping trips. We were there to hunt wild grizzlies or capture Bigfoot, whichever came first. At least that’s what I told him. There was a full moon on the horizon. A Worm Moon, I'm told. That made it look huge, I don’t know why. The Cree call it an Eagle Moon, but that's neither here nor there. We were enjoying the sight when he told me, “Grandpa, I see PEOPLE on the moon!" 
     "Oh, yeah?” I responded.
     “Yeah,” he said. “MOON people.”
     “What are moon people called?" 
     He didn’t even have to think about it.
     “They’re called Moonheads," he said. 
     “Is that right?” I said. “Can you see what they’re doing?"
     He squinted his eyes to get a better look.
     "They’re all running to Walmart,” he told me, “to go shopping."
     I coughed to keep from laughing, because, like I said, you take things seriously when you’re a kid.
     “Hey,” I said, sitting up, “you’re right! I can see them, too! Those Moonheads ARE running to Walmart."
     “I TOLD you, grandpa,” he said, giggling.
     Grandkids are the best.
__________________________
...and they’re God’s reward for having children against your better judgement.
RaisingDad
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