Tuesday, October 18, 2016

An Email To My Atheist Brother

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two beers. One for me and one for my little buddy here."
     With that, he pulls out a three-inch man from his pocket.
      "Wow!" says the bartender when he sees the little guy. "Can he drink a whole beer?"
      "Sure," says the man, so the bartender serves them both a beer, and the little guy drinks it all up.
      "Well, I'll be," says the bartender. "Can he walk?"
      "Sure," says the man, and the little guy walks over and pours them both another beer.
      "That's amazing," says the bartender. "Can he talk?"
      "Sure," says the man. "Little Buddy, why don't you tell the bartender about the day you told God to prove He exists."
     The point of that story was that you don't have to be embarrassed about the small size of your penis, and praying to God may only make things worse for you. How much worse? Think Bruce "Trans" Jenner. Instead, pour yourself a beer, kick back, and enjoy the sound of laughter.
     I don't know why God does the things He does. Why did He make cannibals, for example. Do you know why cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because divorced women are too bitter.
     I think God loves us equally, but not at the same time. That's why, when He's busy making sure His favorite sports team is winning, He overlooks that one altar boy being molested by his priest or a Penn State coach.
     I don't mean to bring back bad memories for you.
     Speaking of asking something of God, I can't remember which comedian I heard this from, but he said that when he was a kid he wanted a bike. He prayed and prayed, but God never answered his prayers. And then one day he had an inspiration. He went out and STOLE a bike. He figured it was easier to steal a bike and ask for forgiveness.
     Myself, I was born and raised a catholic--although I do go to a non-denominational church now--and we were taught that if we said the Act of Contrition prayer, our sins would immediately be forgiven. As a kid, I thought to myself, "Well, that leaves me with a lot of wiggle room to be bad." I could lead the life of a worthless sinner, but as long as I said the Act of Contrition just before I died, I would get into Heaven on a technicality. Of course, I'd be playing the odds, but what were the chances I'd die without having the chance to mutter a quick prayer?
     Almost zero.
     Did I really believe all that or contemplate it seriously? Of course not. But I found the idea interesting in an amusing kind of way. Unfortunately, the nuns who taught catechism class weren't so amused. I was practically ex-communicated for heresy.
     At ten-years-old that would have been quite an accomplishment.
    
 
Raising My Father
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
 

Saturday, October 8, 2016

The New Waitress

The last time I took my elderly father to a restaurant, we had the misfortune of getting a new waitress on her first day of training. The poor girl got BOTH of our orders wrong, even though we ordered the same thing.
     But she tried, I'll give her that.
     Instead of hamburger steaks, we got hamburgers. Instead of mashed potatoes, we got fries. Instead of coffee, we got diet colas.
     At the end of the meal, the flustered waitress smiled and asked if we would like dessert.
     My father perused the dessert menu for a second, and then asked her, "Now... what do I have to order to get some pie?"
 
 
Raising My Father
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
JimDuchene.blogspot.com  American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine