What's Scarier Than Halloween?

 You know what's scarier than Halloween? 

     Dating. 

     But do you know what's scarier than dating? 

     Dating when you're older.

     My father is a widowed pre-Alzheimer's diagnosed geriatric, so this column is about:

The Top Ten Things

My Father Would Do Before A Date

10. Take a nap.

9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H.

8. Try to remember who he's taking out.

7. Massage his prostate to ease the swelling.

6. Massage his prostate because it feels good.

5. Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of his ears.

4. Do stretching exercises so he won't pull a muscle later just in case he... well... you know.

3. Don't forget his Gas-X.

2. Apply acne medication... ON HIS ASS!

And the number one thing he'd do before a date is:

1. On his way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a dump.

     So you know what's scarier than Halloween? 

     Dating. 

     And you know what's scarier than dating? 

     Dating when you're older. 

     But do you know what's scarier than that? 

     It's that as much as I might make jokes at my father's expense, I know in him I'm seeing my own future.

     Never mind that, at my age, I've already become acquainted with #1.

  

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