RaisingDad

 Your Wife (talking to you): "Why are you only getting on the computer twice a day now?" You (talking to your wife): "I was thinking that would gives us more time to have sex." Your Wife: "Keep on thinking."    RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

  My brother's family has a holiday tradition.      Every Christmas, they get together as a family and bake Christmas cookies to hand out to friends and family as gifts.      He's cheap that way.      Of course, I have to trash talk him about it. You (talking to your wife): "Sweetie, why don't we go upstairs and get frisky?" Your Wife (talking to you): "I've got a better idea, why don't we make Christmas cookies?" You: "Yay! Christmas cookies!"    RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

It wasn't my  idea.      I was serving our father his gourmet enchiladas—now I get him the much more expensive Family Pack—and asked him, “What’s that?”      “Oh,” he sighed, tired, “it’s just the same old crap your brother sends me every Christmas.”      “Oh.”      “Would you do me a big favor, son?”      “Of course, pop.”      “Would you take it with you when you leave?”      “What do you want me to do with it?”      “I don’t care,” he said. “Just get rid of it.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

 Is the election  over yet?     No?     But Fake News has already declared Joe Biden the winner.      “If only my husband’s erections lasted as long,” your wife posted on Facebook.        RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing and to wish him a happy holiday.      "Hi, pop," I said.       "Hi, son," he answered.      "How was your turkey?"      "The one I live with?" he answered. "He's fine."    ******************************************* I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing.     “How’s your Thanksgiving been, pop?” I asked him.     “Oh, good, good,” he said.     “What are you thankful for?”     “I’m thankful for you, of course, and I’m thankful for the enchiladas you never forget to bring me, they’re so delicious. I’m also thankful for the coronavirus.”     “THE CORONAVIRUS!” I yelped. “Why are you thankful for the coronavirus?”     “It keeps your brother away.”    RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene  ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   One thing I've noticed about the Coronavirus is it's given people a reason to be cheap.      Cheaper than they normally are.      Cheaper than me, even.      Actually, I’m not cheap. I’m frugal. When it comes to paying, I’m the first to put my hand in my pocket… and keep it there.      I’m constantly invited to party parades. Well... not me, actually. People know if they want something good, my wife is the one to invite. These celebrations include baby showers, graduations, even dog adoptions.      I invited my father to come along once.       “What’s that?” he asked.      “You don’t know what a parade is, pop?” I teased.      “Not the kind you’re talking about,” he answered.      I expla...

My brother likes to take his grandson hiking and camping, and occasionally he'll send me pictures of the two of them together on their adventures.      I like to repay his kindness with trash talk.      Hence, the following email: Can't get over how big your grandson looks in those pictures you sent me, but who's that old  geezer who’s in a couple of pictures with him?      I think I’ve seen him on the National Geographic channel.       He was telling the story of how he got his name.      “Where I'm from,” he said, “our children are named after something the father sees or does when their child is born. For example, my sister is named Moon Rises High because when she was born my father saw the moon high up in the sky. My brother is named Horse Runs Fast because my father rode his horse hard all night long to be there when he was born.”      “That’s a wonderful story,” the interviewe...

My wife and I had some friends over this past weekend.      They have a little boy our granddaughter’s age, so we had them over so she and their son could have a play date. They’ve been friends since they were three.      The dad is in the Army, is a few months away from retiring, and they’ve been stationed overseas, mainly in the Asian countries.      The reason I tell you all this is because they were telling us about the Juicy Girls in the Philippines. The Juicy Girls are women/prostitutes who hang around juice bars looking for GI husbands.       “Do they serve alcohol there?” I asked.      “No, just juice,” they said.       Before the soldiers arrive in the Philippines they get a warning to avoid these Juicy Girls and stay out of those juice bars. Some of the juice bars are even off limits to the military, just like the Mexic...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    My elderly father refuses to admit it, but his daily walks are taking their toll on him.      And me.      Mainly me.      He no longer walks as far, he no longer walks as long, but he's still determined to get out there and worry me to death.       "I don't feel like going," he'll sometimes say, but before I can encourage him not to torture himself, he's grumbling his way out the door. He's so stubborn, he even aggravates himself.      If it's hot, I'll tell him to wait until it's cooler. He'll refuse. Sometimes he'll even put on a light jacket. I'm positive it's just to irritate me. When it's cold, he'll head out the door in shorts and a t-shirt.      "At least put on a sweater," I told him.       "It’s not cold," he argued.  ...

 Fox News: "Over  one hundred straight days of rioting and looting.”      You: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...”      CNN: “It’s Trump’s fault!”      You: “WHAT? There’s been RIOTING? And it’s TRUMP’S fault? Why didn’t someone say something sooner?”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene         

AREA MAN WHO DENOUNCES TRUMP AND RENOUNCES GOD THINKS HE'S WELL-INFORMED!    ORANGE COUNTY—The Babylon Bee recently had the misfortune of sitting down with an elderly San Clemente man who appeared to have not had sex in months to learn more about his cranky battle against the greatest president in our lifetime. According to Henry Duchene, a virulent God denier and Inverted Earth theorist, his ideology consists of whatever the Fake News media, progressive universities, greedy corporations, and liberal Hollywood tells him he should think.      "Yeah, I'm an independent thinker," Henry brags delusionally, when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Bob’s Dildos. "I would say my unique belief system is an eclectic mix of Antifa, Black Lives Matter, CNN, MSNBC, and that dreamy Don Lemon. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from rich black athletes like LeBron James and Colin...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com I like to kid my brother that his grandson would rather do anything else than go hiking with him.     “Sorry, grandpa, but I have calculus to do.”     “But you won’t have calculus until you get to high school.”      “I don’t want to wait until the last minute.” Before hiking trails and playgrounds were taped off like crime scenes, my granddaughter had a great idea: “Let’s have a picnic on the mountain,” she said.      She was talking about a hiking trail where I’ve taken her before.       “That’s a GREAT idea,” I told her. I like how all the female hikers fuss over her.      “She’s so pretty,” they’ll say, a nd I’ll modestly agree.      So we packed up our Chick-fil-A nuggets and headed for the great outdoors, only it was kind of bre...