RaisingDad

I've got some good news for you: A theory I like about time is that it's on a loop.      Einstein put it this way (and I'm paraphrasing here): "God created time so that everything wouldn't happen at once." God Himself said (also paraphrasing), "I am the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End."      Do you know what that means?      It means that when the time loop ends, it begins all over again, so you'll have your chance at all those high school girlfriends the football team stole from you in high school. They played football, you picked onions on your summer vacation. Where was the contest in that?      You were a child of the sixties, and while all the hippies were into all that "free love" and "love the one your with" stuff, you were busy being married to your first wife. That's the sad part about the time loop... you end up with your first wife all over again, ...

My Dad's quite a character. And so is Sophia, Maloney's mother-in-law .      Maloney works during the week, but on weekends he'll get up and cook everyone breakfast. One particular morning, he made everyone chicken and egg burritos. When everybody was well-fed and off to their own rooms, his mother-in-law offered to do the dishes.      "That's nice of her," Maloney thought to himself. And then he went off to go pick his nose or something.      Sophia's helpful that way. She's always offering to throw out the trash or pick up the dog poops from the backyard. The only problem with her doing the dishes, however, is that her eyesight is bad, so she can't see what a lousy job she's done. Then Gail, Maloney's wife, waits for her mom to go to her 2nd favorite room in the house, and she'll wash the dishes all over again.      "That's wasting water, mom," their youngest daughter chastises them. ...

"I think you're just looking for things to complain about," I told Maloney.      "No, I'm not," he said.      "Yes, you are."      "No, I'm not."      I let it end there because he was starting to sound like one-half of an Abbott & Costello routine.      I understand Maloney's point. When you're doing something unpleasant, the last thing you want is someone standing over your shoulder asking dumb questions (In school they taught me that there's no such thing as a dumb question, but life has taught me otherwise.), so, when Maloney had the unhappy task of wiping up what was obviously dog urine, he didn't need his mother-in-law asking him for a chemical analysis.      You know how to break someone of the habit of looking over your shoulder and asking dumb questions? You give them something to do. It's amazing how fast people learn m...

I've just gotten back from Costco.       Well, my wife and I have. If it was me, I could have gotten away with keeping it under a hundred bucks. My wife treats shopping at Costco and Sam's as if it were an Olympic event. With her, it's a competition to see how fast she can go through my retirement, and, in the end, all the items we ended up buying fit into just three boxes.      For some reason, I seem to be the only one in the house who doesn't like to waste money. I didn't grow up poor and deprived, so I'm not carrying around that baggage. My Mom always had a kitchen full of food, with my Dad, just like me, probably complaining about how much everything cost. I say "probably," because my parents never argued or had any serious discussions in front of us kids. But back to me being cheap...      I mean, frugal.      My wife has started to buy these paper hand towels for the...

Some things just bug me.      Every sunrise, my Dad and I drink our morning coffees as we listen to the news on TV. I like to brew some gourmet coffee that I blend myself. As far as addictions go, that's not such a bad one. Just ask Philip Seymour Hoffman.      My Dad, on the other hand, likes instant coffee. I don't know why. Not even the top of the line brand, just whatever's cheapest at Wal-Mart.      "Dad," I'll ask, "why don't you try the coffee I buy."      "No, thanks," he'll say.      "It's good," I'll tell him.      "No, thanks," he'll tell me.      "Let me make you a cup," I'll persist.      "No, thanks," he'll persist, too.      "How about..."      "How can I tell you no in a way you'll accept?" he'll cut in, ending my persistence.    ...

My Buddy, Maloney, has a dilemma.      All he wanted was to go on a nice vacation with his wife.      Of course, they'd have to take their youngest. She was twelve and couldn't be left behind. In fact, being twelve, she wanted to invite her best friend, who was also twelve.      That was no problem.      A vacation for four. Two adults and two kids. That would make for a nice time. But... of course... there was a complication.      His middle daughter, who was 20 and had already declared her independence by moving out (only to move back in a few months later when she discovered how expensive independence was), when she found out they were going to Disneyland, was quick to reintroduce herself into the family. That was no problem, either. She was a good kid, with a good heart, and was fun to be with.      Boswell, his 24-year-old step-son, was also q...

  as submitted to the AARP Bulletin   I saw them out of the corner of my eye, so I made a u-turn,    doubled back, and parked.      It was two kids, a boy and a girl. They couldn't have been more than 7 or 8, and they were selling cup cakes for 50 cents a pop. So I bought 4 that my bathroom scale said I didn’t need, and   paid with 2 dollar bills I took out of my wallet. I also gave them all the change in my pocket as a tip. It was substantial. It came close to five bucks. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my father, it’s to always buy something from a kid in a make-shift stand.      You see, my father could never drive past any kid selling drinks or snacks, without stopping to joke with them buy more than he needed, and leave them with a generous tip besides.      As a kid, I only cared about the drink or pastry that was heading my way. As a teenager, ...