The Lost Simpsons Episode

 The Simpsons

 in

 

“La Ariana De Esa Cantante Es Muy Grande”

   

 

Thanksgiving.

     A time to be grateful for... Mr. Burns!

     Who mistakenly thinks the holiday is a celebration of him.

 

     Mr. Burns: “Ah, Thanksgiving. The day when a grateful Springfield gathers to celebrate my virgin birth."

     

     Cut to:

     

     News Anchor Kent Brockman: “Happy Thanksgiving everybody, as we honor a man I have a deep admiration for. An admiration that grows in direct proportion to the payola I receive.”

     

     Cut to:

     

     Mr. Burns. Observing the Thanksgiving festivities going on around him.

 

     Mr. Burns: “I don’t get it, Smithers. What does a turkey bird have to do with me?"

     

     Cut to:

     

     A close-up of a turkey who looks exactly like Mr. Burns, only with more humanity.

     

     Cut to:

     

     Lenny: "Hey, Homer, where are all the tomatoes we were gonna throw?"

     Homer: "I thought that was lunch."

     

     Cut to:

 

     Smithers: "To honor you on your birthday, sir, we've spared no expense and brought in your favorite comedian to perform for you."

     Mr. Burns: "Sammy Petrillo?"

     Smithers: "No, sir. Jackie 'The Joke Man' Martling."

     Mr. Burns: "What a stroke of serendipity that the name his parents gave to him became his profession. Much like my proctologist, Dr. Proctologist."

     

     Jackie begins his act, which quickly turns into a roast.

     

     Jackie: "Mr. Burns. A man so old, first names hadn't been invented yet."

     

     Cut to:

     

     Mr. Burns. Complaining to Smithers.

     

     Mr. Burns: "That's a lie, Smithers. We had first names back then. It's just that they were so new, nobody knew what they were."

     

     Cut to:

     

     Jackie: "When he made his first million, he told his wife: 'Honey, I'm a millionaire! Pack your bags!' ‘What should I pack?' she said. ‘I don't care,' he told her. "Just get the heck OUT!'"

     

     Cut to:

     

     Mr. Burns: "That's a lie, Smithers! She left of her own free will, and she would tell you just that... if they ever find her body."

     

     Mr. Burns tires of the abuse.

     

     Mr. Burns: "Smithers... release the hounds."

     

     Cut to:

     

     An anxious Jackie, seeking sanctuary. Ends up at the Simpson house.

 

     Homer: "If you're a comedian, Mr. So-Called Comedian, then make me laugh."

 

     Jackie thinks hard.

 

     Jackie: "Uh... a man walks into a bar."

 

     Homer begins laughing heartily, thinking that’s the joke in its entirety. Jackie uses the distraction to slip past him into the house.

 

     Homer (still laughing): "A MAN... walks into... a BAR! It's so funny because it's so true. Saaay..." (turns serious) "it IS true, isn't it?"

     Jackie: "It's as true as anything the president has ever said."

     Homer: "And that's good enough for me."

     

     Cut to:

     

     Jackie disappearing into the house, and Marge tentatively approaching Homer.

 

     Marge: "Who is that, Homer?"

     Homer: "I have no idea."

     

     Cut to:

 

     Mr. Burns and Smithers are going house by house searching for the man who humiliated him. They finally come upon 742 Evergreen Terrace. They knock, Homer answers the door.

     

     Mr. Burns: "Smithers, who is this man?"

     Smithers: "The owner of the house, sir."

     Mr. Burns (taken aback): "Are you saying other people can own homes?'

     Smithers: "Yes, and this is Homer Simpson. He works for you."

     Mr. Burns (to Homer): "Yesss... I know you. You're in charge of disposing of the donuts in the break room."

     Homer: "Yes. Yes, I am."

     Mr. Burns: "Well, keep up the good work."

 

     With that, Mr. Burns and Smithers abruptly leave.

 

     Homer: "Whew, that was close. Any closer and he'd be behind me."

  

     Homer turns around and finds Mr. Burns standing behind him.

 

     Mr. Burns: "You're FIRED!"

     Homer: "Heh, heh... fired. If I had a nickel every time I  heard that."

     

     Cut to:

 

     Marge, showing Jackie Bart's treehouse.

     

     Marge: "Sorry, but if you're going to stay, I guess you can stay here."

     Jackie: "Don't apologize. This beats the office I had when I was in radio."

     

     Cut to:

     

     Homer and Jackie run into Doctor Hibbert at the Kwik-E-Mart.

     

     Jackie: “Hey, doc, is it true laughter’s the best medicine?”

     Doctor Hibbert: “Why, yes.”

     Jackie: “Then let me tell you a joke: A doctor gives a man six months to live. When he can't pay his bill, the doctor gives him six MORE!”

 

     Jackie laughs. Hibbert laughs. Jackie laughs. Hibbert laughs.

     

     Cut to:

     

     Homer has a favor to ask of Jackie.

     

     Homer: "Can you take Bart to The Krusty the Clown Show? I'd take him myself, but that's not what good daddies do."

     Jackie: "You trust me with your son?"

     Homer; "If there's one thing I've learned from westerns, ALWAYS trust a stranger."

     

     Cut to:

 

     The Krusty The Clown Show. Jackie meets Krusty. They circle each other warily like two comedy ninjas.

     Krusty introduces himself.

     

     Krusty: "Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m famous for my years with Rick Dees. You've heard of Disco Duck?"

     Jackie: "No."

     Krusty: "I almost wrote that. Have you heard of Stump the Krusty?”

     Jackie: “Sort of.”

     Krusty: “I invented that. And I have the proof in this envelope I mailed to myself.”

 

     Krusty shows Jackie a well-worn envelope.

     Jackie the Joke Man and Krusty the Clown then play a version of Dueling Ban-jokes.

     

     Krusty: "It hurts when I do this..."

     Jackie: "...Then don't do that! I take my wife everywhere..."

     Krusty: "...but she keeps finding her way back! I broke my leg in two places..."

     Jackie: "Well... quit going to those places!"

     

     Cut to:

     

     At home, even Lisa gets into the act, telling what she calls Jokes Of The Future.

     

    Lisa: “Take my wife... please! Because being married at MY age is extremely inappropriate.”

     Marge: “That’s nice, Lisa.”

     Lisa: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

     Marge: “I don’t know.”

     Lisa: “Because it was highly capable and wanted to achieve something.”

     Homer: “Heh, heh... chickens.”

     

     Marge quickly tires of Jackie’s constant barrage of jokes...

     

     Jackie: "Hey, Marge, I heard you ask the garbage man this morning if you were too late for the garbage, and he told you, 'Not at all. Jump right in!'"

     Marge: "Grrrr..."

 

     ...and gives Homer an ultimatum.

     

     Marge: "Homer, if you cheated on me, I guess I could live with that, but if Mr. Martling stays with us one more day... we’re THROUGH."

     

     Cut to:

 

     Homer. Exiled at Moe's.

     

     Homer (laughing) to Lenny and Carl: "Don't you get it? A MAN... walks into... a BAR!"

     Carl: "Uh, we don't get it, Homer."

     Lenny: "Yeah, I don't get it either."

     Homer: "But it's a MAN... in a BAR!"

     Barney: "Are you talking about me?"

     

     Jackie shows up to tell Homer he can go home now because he’s decided to leave. When Moe offers him a beer, Jackie makes everybody laugh by insisting that he's given up drinking. They think he’s doing a comedy bit.

     

     Carl: “You’re right, Homer. He IS a funny guy.”

     

     Cut to:

 

     Mr. Burns finally catches up with Jackie Martling outside of Moe's. All of Springfield seems to be there as well.

     

     Mr. Burns: "Make me laugh... or ELSE!"

     

     Cut to:

     

     Mr. Burns, not laughing. Both his dogs, growling. Selma and Patty, also growling. Finally, Homer.

     

     Homer (deep in thought): "Who's Sammy Petrillo?"

     

      A nervous Jackie is sweating so much there's a puddle of perspiration at his feet. Finally, pro that he is, he takes a step forward...

     

     Jackie: "A man walks into a bar..."

     

     ...and immediately slips on the puddle and falls, landing hard.

     Everybody erupts in laughter.

     Mr. Burns looks around. Decides he should be laughing, too.

     

     Cut to:

     

     Lenny (also laughing): "I get it now, Homer! I get it!"

     

     Cut to:

     

     Jackie.

     Laid up in the hospital.

 

     Homer (voice-over): “And we all lived thankfully ever after.

 

     Fade out to Jackie’s laughter.

 

     Jackie: "Sammy Petrillo... hee, hee, hee."

 

the end