I Thank, Therefore I Am

 I can't believe it. 

There's going to be so much food. 

I retired earlier this year, so this will be my first Thanksgiving where I don't have to work the day after, and judging by my wife's menu for our upcoming feast it looks like I'm going to spend the entire 4-day weekend digesting. Heck, I'm still full from last year. 

But before I sit down to begin my yearly tradition of eating more than anyone else, let me take a few minutes to tell you what I'm thankful for.

First off, I'm thankful for holidays. They are the only days out of the year when I can eat what I want. Thanks to the special diet my doctor has me on, I'm only allowed to eat natural foods. That means when I'm hungry I have to go outside and lick a tree.

I'm thankful I haven't heard much about the government shutting down again because, as we all know, if you don't hear anything then everything must be all right. 

When the government shuts down it comes with more problems than my first wife, so I'm thankful to the politicians who work so hard to avoid it. Compared to them, my employer had nothing to complain about. Media pundits like Bill O'Really and the still dead Rush Limbo have always complained politicians are too liberal when it comes to squandering our tax dollars, but I see it as another thing to be thankful for: We have too much money! It's about time the government got around to wasting a little of it. 

On a personal level, I'm thankful to have been born in what the Chinese might call interesting times. With all the fighting that goes on between politicians who seem to be stuck in their terrible twos, it saves me on entertainment costs. Watching them embarrass themselves is funnier than watching The Three Stooges. Mainly the ones with Shemp.

I have to admit, however, that I can't help but be thankful to that very same government. The truth is, I was tired of working and more than ready to retire. If there's one thing I've learned from these clowns who shill for my vote, it's that my financial and physical wellbeing is the government's responsibility. Who they're going to tax when everybody decides to quit their jobs and become wards of the state is not my problem. It's yours. And your children's. But not your children's children, because I don't believe children should be having sex.

Living where I do, I'm thankful for the water shortage in this part of the country and the water restrictions we live under. Hydration is over-rated. It's about time our selfish plants learned to live with less.

I'm thankful for the bad economy. It gives us an opportunity to be frugal with our money. Just because the government spends more than it has, that doesn't mean we have to. Oh, sure, we might have to do without some things like food, but we'll get used to it. As long as America has some of the finest restaurants in the world, people like you and I will have dumpsters we can eat out of.

I'm thankful for all the losers my wife dated before she met me. Next to them I'm looking pretty good.

Speaking of my wife, I'd like to give a special thanks to her and our kids. Without them I would have never found out how good I look with gray hair. They've widened my horizons, introduced me to things I would have never discovered on my own, and the lack of sleep they've caused has given me bags under my eyes so large that that's where I'm going to hide this year's Christmas presents. I've never known such love, and I've never known such heartbreak. It's turned a good life into a great life, and I wouldn't have missed it for all the turkey and stuffing in the world. 

Speaking of turkeys…

I'm also thankful to my ex-wife. Without her I would have never learned to appreciate the subtle coolness of a summer breeze, the casual elegance of a drifting cloud, and the quick convenience of a Mexican divorce. Someone told me she recently became some rich guy's trophy wife. If that's true, then the trophy must be for last place. That someone also told me her new husband has terrible anger issues, which I'm also thankful for, because he'll be the first one the police will suspect when... um, forget I said anything. 

I'm thankful to Blogger for giving me the opportunity to embarrass myself in print. I promise to put in as much hard work and commitment as I did in all the other jobs I've been fired from. Writing this column combines my two favorite things: working and not getting paid.

Most of all, I'm thankful to you, my loyal readers. It's nice to have another group of people I can borrow money from.

Finally, I'm thankful to the Olive Garden restaurant. Because of their advertising slogan: "When You're Here, You're Family!" I make it a point to eat there several times a week, and when I do I order the most expensive items on the menu because I'm family and family doesn't pay. Family just gets up, pretends to go to the bathroom, and walks out the front door, ignoring the screaming waiters they're leaving behind. When you invite family over for a good meal, you don't make them pay. That's why I don't invite family over. I wait for them to invite me.

On the occasions when the manager beats me to the door, I still get a free meal because the fine people at Olive Garden don't like to argue in front of their customers. Now they just meet me at the door with breadsticks and a nice salad.

When my wife found out what culinary shenanigans I was up to, she got angry.

"Have you no shame?" she chastised.

Well… it sure beats licking trees.