RaisingDad

  The Great Pumpkin's Lament Linus was heartbroken. He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve. "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes." But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened. "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where  are  you?" Wait a minute... You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is? Well... On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children. However, he visits only the pumpkin patches of the little children who believe in him and rewards those very same little gir...

  Trick Or Treating In El Paso Trick or treating in El Paso is always a lot of fun, and I look forward to doing it again this year, but consider this a friendly warning, folks: If you want candy, plenty of candy, and I'm talking about the good stuff... DON'T go to the homes of any of our local politicians. Last year, I had the great idea that surely they would have the best candies.  Genius,  I thought.  Can't miss.  So, when my kid's candy bags were almost full, we all hopped into my car. First stop was the Mayor's house. My kids screamed when his door creaked open. "Oh, my gosh!" I yelled out, excitedly. "It's the Crypt Keeper...  with a guitar! " "I'm not the Crypt Keeper. I'm Mayor John Cook." "What a great costume." "I'm not wearing a costume," he said, dryly. And then he perked up. "Want to hear a song?" "No, thanks," I told him. "You've already scared my kids enough...

Dog Day Halloween Charlie and Buster were digging in the backyard when they found an old metal box. "Maybe there's money inside." "Yeah, it could be worth its weight in Puppy Chow." They both laughed at Buster's bad joke. When they forced the rusted box open they were disappointed. It was only a book. Someone's diary. Ruffling forward through the pages, they began to read parts of it out loud. January 1, 2014: Former El Paso Mayor John Cook's new law has been in effect for three years now. The one prohibiting the sale of dogs less than a year old within the city limits. It was a shame that, until then, dogs could be bought and sold like, well, animals. Hurray! Hurray for Mayor Cook! The two friends looked at each other. "Can you believe this?" Charlie asked. Buster just shook his head. June 27, 2015: The last of the pet stores went out of business today. Those poor employees. Losing their jobs. Especially in this bad economy. But that's...

  Fear The Fish As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon  appears  to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it. "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math." AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice. I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art. "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have computers." "And who'...

  Is Your House Haunted? From the disembodied head floating in your living room to the one night stand who doesn't want to leave, these may all be signs that your house is haunted. I've never seen a more paranormal infestation than the time Rebecca G. called me to see what I could do about some random guy she made the drunken mistake of bringing home one Friday night. He spent the night, didn't leave all of Saturday, and slept on the couch when he discovered Ms. G. was only easy after throwing back a few  Jose Cuervos  on a dare. By Sunday, he was quite comfortable making his own breakfast, and she felt compelled to call me in a panic, quite rightly believing he would  never  vacate the premises. She was right. Guys such as him are supernatural leeches. Like a cat, they never leave once they've been fed. So I called a priest, not to conduct an exorcism, but to perform a marriage ceremony. That guy couldn't find the exit door fast enough. Who Am I? My name is Lou...

Ozombie bin Laden when hell is full the dead will walk the earth I have nightmares. It's been years, and I still have nightmares. It all began with a simple phone call. From the President. And when the President calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But this particular phone call caught me by surprise. "I want you to go to Pakistan," he told me, smoothly. "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Osama bin Laden is dead." "Of course he's dead," I answered. "We've both seen the video." I paused... and then we both broke up laughing at the same time. Video. What a joke. "And don't worry," he assured me. "Your little, ah, 'problem' in the Middle East has been smoothed over." That's Obama for you. Mr. Smooth. And that's how I found myself back in Pakistan, taking a freight elevator down to the basement where bin Laden's murdered body...

  Abbott & Costello Meet Six Word Horror Stories For Sale. Chainsaw. Only Used Once. ********** His insides… were on… his outsides. ********** Something dripped on her face… blood? *********** She lay motionless. I already knew... ********** "Heard you were dead."  "I am." *********** "..3, 4, better lock the door…" ********** You should have locked the door. ********** They're right in front of you. *********** Cupid's arrow had a poison tip. ********** The setting sun never rose again. *********** Turns out, it wasn't a nightmare. *********** James Corden's coming to your restaurant. ********** A Tremors-inspired Six Word Horror Story: Giant worms. Digging holes. Eating people. ********** Grinning, the clown closed the door. ********** "Howdy, stranger. We've been expecting you." ********** Eat it, before it eats YOU! ********** "Your account shows some unusual activity." ********** Woke up with my kidney missi...

  House of Six Word Horror Stories I want to marry your daughter. ********** "You're lost? Gee, that's too bad." ********** "This meat tastes funny. Where's grandma?" ********** The real monsters live next door. ********** I have my father's eyes. Delicious. ********** Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful. ********** Why do these dates have legs? ********** The zombies started with my eyes. ********** His head hurt... and then exploded. ********** And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. ********** "I'm dead? Sweet Jesus!" "Guess again." ********** Special Russian Invasion Edition: "I just got my draft notice." ********** Finally, he could pass for human. ********** "Is that a gun?" BANG! "Yes." *********** "Why is the back door open?" *********** "But mommy SAID she'd be back!" *********** Jim Duchene Master Horrologist

Son of Six Word Horror Stories "I'm Ted Bundy. What's  your  name?" ********** Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex. ********** "Honey, mother's moving in with us." ********** My mother-in-law's never leaving. ********** This is just plain good advice: Murder was definitely cheaper than divorce. *********** "Are your parents home? No? Good." ********** Sadly, Baby New Year was stillborn. ********** Trump wins 2028 by a LANDSLIDE! ********** Love was the end of happiness. *********** "Is that a gun he's carrying?" ********** Turns out, it WAS a gun. *********** "Look out! He's got a gun!" ********** Take my word for it… RUN! *********** Who knew runaways were so tasty? ********** The Secret Service reads your tweets. *********** Jim Duchene Master Horrologist  

The Bride of Six Word Horror Stories Bloodstains are so hard to hide. ********** "We should break up." "I'm pregnant." *********** The starving dogs began to feast.  ********** Holy crap... Donald Trump was RIGHT! ********** Is that a lump I feel? ********** The morgue's dead began to rise. ********** "Clown For Hire" —John Wayne Gacy ********** ...content censored by the Chinese government... ********** The leprechaun had such sharp teeth. ********** Santa descended the chimney… …in pieces. *********** For sale. Baby shoes. Don't ask. ********** The babysitter's red lips dripped blood. *********** Gas. Inflation. Willie Nelson. All high. ********** "Hi, I'm Pennywise. What's for dinner?" *********** "Don't worry, I'm a FRIENDLY clown." ********** Should've known werewolves couldn't be housebroken. *********** Jim Duchene Master Horrologist  

Six Word Horror Stories Yay! The weekend!" *blink*  "Aieee! Monday!" ********** Smiling, the clown locked the door. ********** A thousand followers—POOF!—gone overnight. ********** So lost. Who's that behind me?  ********** And the groundhog predicted: No Survivors! ********** Dead lips curl into a smile. ********** "Do not be afraid," they lied. ********** For Sale. Fresh Meat. No Questions. ********** "This is not your Captain speaking." ********** Party's over. Why won't they leave? ********** That fetus you aborted... …it survived. ********** "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Pennywise." ********** John Lennon to Paul, George, & Ringo: "Me and Yoko got married, mates." ********** It's April Fools!  Yep, you qualify . ********** No pizza and beer in Hell. ********** I stole her heart. Quite literally. ********** My smart phone gave me cancer. *********** Jim Duchene Master Horrologist

  You know what's scarier than Halloween?       Dating.       But do you know what's scarier than dating?       Dating when you're older.      My father is a widowed pre-Alzheimer's diagnosed geriatric, so this column is about: The Top Ten Things My Father Would Do Before A Date 10. Take a nap. 9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H. 8. Try to remember who he's taking out. 7. Massage his prostate to ease the swelling. 6. Massage his prostate because it feels good. 5. Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of his ears. 4. Do stretching exercises so he won't pull a muscle later just in case he... well... you know. 3. Don't forget his Gas-X. 2. Apply acne medication... ON HIS ASS! And the number one thing he'd do before a date is: 1. On his way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a dump.      So you know what's scarier than Halloween?     ...

  I don't know what it is about newspapers, but they must think their readers have unlimited time and money to cook the recipes they feature in their pages. Most of us, we have jobs. We don't want to come home and spend hours fixing something that can easily be bought at Sam's or Costco or the corner gas station. Not to mention the cleanup afterward. Also, if I fill my refrigerator with food, where am I supposed to keep my beer? The recipes always seem to require an excessive number of ingredients that you probably don't have and will never use again. When Jesus fed the multitudes, He wisely kept it down to two items: fish and bread. It just seems to me newspapers should acknowledge we live in a different world now. There's no longer enough hours in the day for us to prepare these extravagant meals. Like my price point when I buy things, five or less should be the only numbers required. Recently, my local newspaper printed something by The Culinary Institute of Amer...