RaisingDad

So... how’d your knee surgery go?      You: “Doctor, why does my butt hurt?”      Your Doctor: “Don’t worry about it. That’s completely normal”    So... did you tell your wife that your knee surgeon told you to be sure to get plenty of sex to help with the pain?      Him: "Sex releases endorphins, which is a natural pain-killer."      Her: “Have a jalapeño pepper. It does the same thing.”    So... I don't know who told your best friend’s wife, but she posted on Facebook that your knee surgeon accidentally tied your torn meniscus to the wrong ligament, and now every time you bend your knee your penis gets pulled inside your scrotum.       Your best friend had a good laugh.      “Who’s that guy?” he asked the toaster.    So... I'm glad your plastic surgery and liposuction went well.      If it had been your previous doctor, y...

You know how the great female pop artist and ex-Disney star Britney Spears went into the hospital for a twisted ankle and came out with a boob job?  Are you sure you’re not going into the hospital for knee surgery and coming out with a penis implant?     Thinking about it, I was reminded of when I ran into your best friend Cali when he was taking his pet monkey for a walk in a Las Vegas casino.     “Remember how my brother's girlfriends in high school always used to call him by the nickname of ‘ Flaco ’?” I reminisced,  Flaco  being Spanish for skinny.     “They never called your brother ‘ Flaco ,’” he informed me.     “They didn’t?”     “No, Cali explained. “They called him ‘flaccid.’”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Your best friend's wife  posted on her Facebook account how, not only is her husband suffering from Alzheimer’s, but his knees are also giving out due to the massive weight they’ve had to carry all of his life.    “How are  your  husband’s knees?” she asked your wife. “Are they giving him trouble?”    “Yes,” your wife confessed. “Not his left knee or his right knee, but his  weenie .”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American  Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Your Wife: “Do you miss Dick?” You: “I sure do!” Your Wife: “Me, too. I miss him a lot.” You: “Oh... you’re talking about your  father .”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Your wife posted on Facebook that, during the earthquake, you fell and a cucumber went up your butt... SIX times!     At least, that’s what you told the E.R. doctor.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

My Brother:      " The earth quake was so bad that I'm still cleaning up the damage. When it hit, I was thrown to the side wall and then on the ground. It bounced me around a couple of times. The house was rocking back and forth. Our neighbors were all running out to the street. Part of the street opened up and six or eight neighbors fell into a crevasse before it closed burying them alive. The water main down the street broke and water was shooting a hundred feet into the air. So high that a flock of birds flying by were hit with the water and they fell to the ground. People were grabbing them, saving them for food. I grabbed a couple of my guns and start rattling cover-fire. A group of ten came after Chewbaca and Sunny, probably for future meals, but I was able to force them back with my RK43. A couple of times I started running low on ammo. My grandson was brilliant and fearless. He low-crawled into the house, grabbed numerous boxes of ammo before low-c...

Did you know t here are more moose attacks than bear attacks?      The next time you’re lying about your shoulder scars, say it was moose, that would be more believable, but if you insist on saying it was a bear, here are two facts to make it more believable (I’m listening to a caller to one of the podcasts I listen to, and he was attacked by a bear):       1) he didn’t get any stitches due to the possibility of infection, and       2) he HAD to get rabies shots.       He was walking with his wife, they were newlyweds, when the bear attacked. His wife— BAM! —she ran, leaving him to fend for himself. The guy fell to the ground, and curled up into a ball. The bear sniffed him a bit, and then took a nibble.       It got me to thinking about one way you can tell a story is going to end badly. When it begins like this:      “We were hiking in the wilderness, and my wife was on her ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    I love my granddaughter.      When I wrote about her in the March issue of Desert Exposure, judging by the response I received, I’m not alone. My father loves her too, but he’s also afraid of her. When she’s running around like a miniature version of the Tasmanian Devil from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, he hangs onto whatever he can for dear life.      She’s four now, but when she turned three we began looking into putting her in pre-school. My granddaughter’s pretty special, so we wanted to find her someplace equally as special. Luckily, we found Radford, a private school that’s been in business for over a hundred years. Like my ex-wife, it doesn’t look a day over 95. She loves it there, and now doesn’t mind going to bed early, which was not always the case.      Once, I was trying to put her to bed, but she had other ideas, so I told her, “If you d...

Me:       There's been a rash of people this year getting beaned in the head at baseball games.      My question is this:      How does the ball know?      I never hear the ball hitting the shoulder, the chest, the back, or the groins/legs/tushes of people going to or coming back from the snack bar or bathrooms.      It’s always a head shot.      How does the ball know?    My Brother:      ...the ball knows.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene