Email To My Brother: It Got Me Thinking

Your last two emails got me to thinking.
     It doesn’t take much.
     Anyway, why is it that a woman’s ailments that keep her from having sex always can’t be verified, and why is this sentence so awkward? Anyway, your wife suffers from her bad back. My wife suffers from her migraine headaches. My buddy Maloney's wife has her pains that make her cry out so loud that our father can probably hear her without his hearing aids.
     Yet all strangely unverifiable.
     I’m not saying that they don’t suffer from these ailments. I’m just saying that it’s pretty convenient that these ailments can’t be verified, visually or otherwise.
     A broken arm, you can see.
     Same with a gunshot wound.
     That girl in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue with the missing leg, I’d understand if she wasn’t in the mood for sex. It must be exhausting for her to try to hang onto a guy boning down on her with only one leg to wrap around him. Although there was a porn actress in the 70s with only one leg. Her name was Long Jean Silver, and she didn’t seem to have any problems.
      Maloney's wife is going all the way to Panama to have an experimental medical procedure performed on her just to get out of having sex with him.
     When your wife was told she had to have surgery on her back, she said, “It’s worth it if it gives me an excuse to not have sex with the gas-producer that is my husband.”
     I tell my wife, “Sex is good for your headache. It releases pain-relieving endorphins that will help you get rid of it.”
     She’d rather suffer.
     If you’re tired, sex perks you up.
     If you’re wired, sex relaxes you.
     Sex improves your mood.
     Sex makes you feel attractive.
     Sex bonds you with your partner.
     Even the one you're seeing on the side.
     Want to lose weight?
     Sex does that.
     Want to get fit?
     Sex does that too.
     Sex helps prevent prostate cancer.
     I bet sex even fights Alzheimer’s.
     Sex is good for the heart.
     Sex is good for the lungs.
     I don’t care what Mickey tells Rocky, it’s good for the legs, too.
     You know how the late, great Joan Rivers said a woman’s vagina falls out when she gets older? Well, it does, but...
     NOT if she’s having sex.
     There are a THOUSAND reasons for having sex.
     But only one for saying no:
     “I’m not in the mood.”
     Hence, phantom pains.
 
 

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