Email To My Brother: Some Red Vans

Maybe you put your red Vans on the wrong feet, and all those people who were complimenting you on them were actually telling you to look down.

     "Poor man. Let's just smile and wave at him as he walks away, Mildred."

     My buddy Maloney is a year older than I am, and just yesterday he told me a story about an older woman. This is when he was twenty, and he went to a party. At the party, he said a forty-year-old woman came up to him and started flirting. It ended up with the two of them having sex. Now remember, he's twenty, so he tells me, "Her body was soft, with no muscle tone. I was grossed out." Grossed out, but he didn't say no. "But at my age now," he confessed, "a forty-year-old wouldn't be that bad."

     I told him, "Forty isn't as firm as twenty, but it's a lot firmer than sixty."

     I told him that because the woman he's dating now is sixty.

     The reason he told me about the forty-year-old was because he was complaining about the sixty-year-old. He told me that on their first date, the sixty-year-old gave him awesome sex of the oral variety.

     She hasn't done it since.

     He's told her, "You know, a guy likes to get that every once in a while."

     "I have to be in the mood," she's told him back.

     She hasn't been in the mood in these last two years that they've been dating.

     I told Maloney, "The first few years are when men and women try to impress each other so they can trap them. If you're not getting any now, you're definitely not going to get any if you marry her."

     Like most women looking for a husband, she says she loves to cook, but she's only cooked for Maloney once in these last two years. She made him some enchiladas at his house with stuff she found in his pantry and refrigerator.

     "Did she make them from scratch?" I asked him.

     "Nah the enchilada sauce was canned."

     I didn't say it, but it sounded to me like she was hungry and made herself something to eat, with a little extra for Maloney, because he was there and it was his food.

     Like you, he always complains about not getting enough sex. I asked him, "Why is she even there? A man can be by himself and not have sex."

     He said that he's complained to her about it, and she's said that there's more to a relationship than sex.

     "Like what?" he asked her.

     "Like companionship," she said.

     "That's what dogs are for," I told him. 

     Maybe he should buy himself some red Vans.

 

 

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