RaisingDad

My grandson, who's a pretty bright kid (he gets it from me), was telling me how he was learning about fire safety at school.      He's in single digits, and they were teaching him about Stop-Drop-And-Roll, dialing 9-1-1, and that it's "Smokey Bear," not "Smokey  the  Bear."      I thought I'd test his knowledge, so I asked him, "What would you do if your clothes were on fire?"      "I wouldn't put them on," he told me.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Your wife posted the following TRUE story on Facebook:      You and she were driving to the docks for your cruise when—BAM!—you hit a skunk that was eating some roadkill in the middle of the freeway. The force knocked the unlucky animal to the side. You slammed on the brakes,  jumped out, picked the injured skunk up, and, cradling it in your arms, brought it back to the car.      “Oh, look,” your wife told you, “the poor thing is shivering. It must be cold.”      “What should I do?" you asked her, weeping.      “Quick, put it between your legs,” she ordered, taking charge.      "But what about the smell?" you wanted to know.      "If I can put up with the smell,” your wife said, “so can the skunk.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

Our father wants nothing but the best for his kids.     Just yesterday, he told me, “I’m sure your older brother’s Alaskan Cruise was nice, but you know where he should have gone?”     “Where’s that, pop?” I asked him.     “To the Dominican Republic,” he said. “He could have flown there on a Boeing 737 MAX.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

With the recent rash of UFO sightings (even Tucker Carlson from Fox News has reported on them), I asked our father if he believed in space aliens.     Surprisingly, he told me yes.     “In fact,” he said, “when your older brother was twelve, he used to wake us up in the middle of the night with his crying. ‘I’ve been an anally probed! I’ve been anally probed!’ he would scream hysterically. It was a horrible time. Your mother and I barely got any sleep.”     “And was it a space alien?” I asked him.     “No," he told me. "It was just our neighbor from next door."       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

You can file this under Kids Are Spoiled These Days:    When my daughter took her four-year-old to the card section of a Walmart so they could buy me a Father’s Day card, it took a while. My granddaughter took her time. Looking at one card and then another. Opening them up and quickly putting them back. My daughter thought she was just looking at the pictures.    "Haven’t you found a card for grandpa yet?” my daughter finally asked, trying to hurry her along.    "Not yet,” my granddaughter said. “I'm looking for one with money in it.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

One thing you can say about our father, he always looked out for us.      Why, I remember one Halloween in particular when he was trying to warn you about pedophiles and child molesters just before you went out Trick-Or-Treating.      “A man might have full-sized Snickers Bars,” he told you. “He’ll give you one, but under the condition that you’ll have to enter his house, where he’ll rape you repeatedly, and, when he’s done, he’ll toss your broken body into the gutter.”      You were suitably scared.      "Will I get to keep the Snickers Bar?” you wanted to know.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

When I was talking with our father on Saturday, I pulled out my iPad so I could show him Facebook pictures of your Alaskan cruise that your wife had posted.     “I didn’t know Fatty Arbuckle was still alive,” he said.     “That’s Henry, pop,” I told him.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

My father had an even crazier idea, and on this one I’m POSITIVE he was joking.     He told me that we should build water slides along the U.S./Mexico border to solve this migrant caravan problem. T he ladder to the top of the slide would be on  our  side of the border, with the slide part exiting into Mexico. That way,  the asylum seekers coming illegally into the United States would be tempted to climb to the top and then slide, of their own free will, back into Mexico.      "Maybe, on the other side, they could even be grilling hot dogs," he suggested.      Like I said, he’s an evil genius.       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com   American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    My father is an evil genius.    Either that or he just likes messing with me.    Not since he challenged the animal kingdom to a fistfight* has he come up with such a wacky idea.    We were watching Tucker Carlson on Fox News. We’re not opposed to watching CNN or MSNBC, but they spend so much time reporting on the crazy things Fox News says we decided to cut out the middleman. Personally, I wish I could find a news outlet that reported just the news, no opinion--I’ll connect the dots and come up with my own conclusions, thank you very much--and, when I say “the news,” I’m talking about ALL the news. Surely, there’s more happening in the world than what’s circling around in President Trump’s orbit.    The former Dancing With The Stars contestant was reporting on a NEW caravan of hopeful immigrants from Central America heading toward the U...