RaisingDad

I’ve told you how my buddy Maloney and his wife ended up living together...      ...but I've never told you how they got married.    Maloney was laid low with an aggressive bout of the flu, and Gail moved in to take care of him. Unfortunately, once he got better, she never moved out. As far as I could tell, her taking care of him consisted of Maloney sleeping the entire day and Gail eating bonbons and watching TV.    But that’s neither here nor there.    Well, maybe not here, but it DID end up there. At the Justice of the Peace, I mean. Where the two of them entered only the first of what’s considered a trifecta of fine institutions. Prison being the second, and a mental facility being the third.    “You’re already living together,” I pointed out. “Why get married?”    “It’s a case of opposites attracting,” he told me. “SHE’S pregnant, and I’m not.”     Raising...

I've heard those stories of me being a crybaby as an infant.      And they're probably true.      You have to blame our oldest sister for that. As an baby, she got me used to being rocked to sleep on a pillow on her lap. The way she got her husband used to it after they were married.      “It was either that,” she once told me, “or have sex with him. I didn’t do it four times, and look what happened. We had four kids.”      “Why didn’t you do it those four times?” I asked her.      “He took off his shoes and I passed out from the smell,” she said. “It was a trick he learned from Bill Cosby.”      I remember talking with our beloved late mother once, asking her about how difficult it was for her to take care of the many kids she had, and she said you were the easiest to take care of.      “He was?” I said, surprised. ...

I bet you’re getting plenty of “bedroom points” with all the fussing you’re having to do with the insurance company over this water leak situation. Showing your wife your files and transcripts and all the work you've had to do must be a real turn-on for her.      “Honey, I just got off the phone with the adjuster, and he told me...”      “Hang on. Give me a chance to put on my earplugs.”     Raising My Father RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene  

I had forgotten about your ex-wife's older brother.       It makes me wonder even more if they all had the same father. Four kids, and all four look different and have different personalities.      Kind of like Princess Di’s two boys. One looks like Prince Charles, and the other looks like Princess Di’s red-headed bodyguard.       My granddaughter is happy going to school. She loves playing and making friends. Poor thing, but she gets up at 6am to leave the house by 7 to get to school at 8. The good thing is she’s an early riser. Radford Academy is in the central part of our city, but the morning traffic can be a pain. Leave at 7am and you’re fine. Leave at seven-oh-five, and your fighting with everybody else who’s trying to get to work. It reminds me of one time when I was in California. We were at a softball game somewhere south of where you lived. The games were over. Your wife...

Our beloved late mother came to me in a dream and said, “You know that house on Cuba Drive, the one you grew up in?”      “Yes, mom,” I answered.      “In ALL the years we lived there, and to this very day, it’s NEVER had a water leak. Nor has it EVER had mold.”      “What do you think it means?”      “It means your brother is a dipshit.”      Raising My Father RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene  

That mold-removal and no-mold certification you just got on your home?       Sounds like a scam.       Anyone can buy a few fans at Walmart to pretend to dry out mold, run off a few copies of fake certificates on their printer (How do you think I became a doctor?), sign and give them to the rubes on the midway. Pay off the right government employees, and you can charge a ton telling home owners, “Yeah, sure. All the mold is gone.”       “Can I have some documentation?”       “Yeah, let me write it back on the back of this napkin.”       “Thanks.”       “You bet.”       “That’ll be six hundred dollars.”       “SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS!”       “These are expensive napkins.”      Sounds like a headache.      A headach...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   There’s an old joke:     An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely, so he immediately went to his doctor. After many failed attempts at communication, the doctor finally looked in the old man’s ear and discovered the problem. He asked his nurse for some forceps, and then used them to extract a suppository from the old man’s ear canal.     “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor told him, showing it to him.     “Oh, my goodness,” the old man replied. “What the heck did I do with my hearing aid?”     I told you last month that my father uses a hearing aid, sometimes to what he thinks is his advantage, but I've never told you how I found out.     Back when my beloved mother was still alive, I used to go over and join them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. My mother was an old...

I told my daughter and granddaughter that you and your wife were going on an Alaskan cruise.      “The next time we’re at the book store,” I said, “I want you to find a bunch of female-authored mystery books for your aunt.”      They assured me they would.      “She’s going to need all the help she can get,” I continued, “to come up with reasons not to have sex with your uncle.”      I thought about what I just told them, and then added, “And make sure they have looong chapters. That way, when he’s pressuring her, she can tell him: ‘Let me just finish this chapter first.’      "Old as he is, he’ll have fallen asleep by the time she does.”     Raising My Father RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com  American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene