The Variety Pack

The weather has warmed up a bit, and I was in the mood for something cold and sweet. I opened the freezer door, thinking a Popsicle would sure hit the spot.
     Hmm, we had plenty of Popsicles... but they were all of the white variety. I don't even know what flavor white is. I grabbed one anyway. Something's better than nothing, I guess. Even if it's something you don't want.
     I looked at the plain white wrapper it came in. There wasn't anything on it to indicate what flavor it was either. I opened it anyway, and took a lick...
     It tasted like feet!
     My wife had the bad judgement to walk in the kitchen at that moment. She saw the look on my face.
     "You better finish them," she told me, "because nobody likes those."
     Say what? Why's it my job to eat these Popsicles that taste like the bottom of a bird cage? The last time I tasted something that nasty, my ex-wife made it special for my birthday.
     "If nobody likes them, then why do you buy them?" I asked her quite reasonably.
     First, she gave me The Look, and then SHE said, also quite reasonably, "Your Dad likes them."
     I backtracked a bit, and then I asked her another question, I didn't bother being reasonable, "If my Dad likes them, then why doesn't HE eat them?"
     "Well..." it was her turn to backtrack, "...he doesn't really like them. He likes me to buy the variety pack, and that's one of the flavors."
     "If you buy a variety pack, then where are the cherry Popsicles?"
     "He eats those."
     "How about the orange?"
     "I eat those."
     "The grape?"
     "We eat those when we run out of cherry and orange."
     "But cherry's my favorite."
     "It's also your Dad's."
     "I also like orange."
     "That's my favorite."
     "The grape?"
     "We eat those when we don't have a choice."
     You might think that I was just rambling, but there was a method to my madness.
     "If everybody likes cherry and orange, then why don't you buy one box of cherry and one box of orange?"
     "Because your Dad likes for me to buy the variety pack."
     Let's just say that I felt like I was arguing with my Dad, so I decided to quit while the quitting was good. I'm having surgery on my shoulder later this month, and I didn't want to waste these few remaining days arguing with my wife about how she should improve her Popsicle-buying skills.  More than that, I still had high hopes for a romantic evening. I've gotten a lot of things out of sympathy, and, let me tell you, I've enjoyed them all just as much.
     But I digress...
     What would have been perfect is if my Dad had walked in just then and wanted a Popsicle, but that didn't happen until a few days later.
     Cut to a few days later:
      As my wife and I sat enjoying our coffee and reading the newspaper late one morning, my Dad went off for his morning walk. The weather was kind of cool. I thought about giving him a head's up about it, but then decided against it. The weather wasn't that cool. In fact, it was heating up quite nicely. But, before I tell you what happened next...
     Let me take a moment here to tell you about our coffee maker. It makes a darn good cup of coffee, but--BUT!--it only makes ONE cup of coffee at a time.
     We used to have a coffee maker that made TWELVE cups of coffee at a time, but sadly it's been demoted to taking up space in one of the storage shelves in our garage. We still take it out for parties, for company, or for whenever the need arises for making a lot of coffee all at once.
     And let me tell you, THAT coffee maker was pretty reasonably priced. It cost us only $24.99 plus tax. Our new coffee maker, the one that only makes ONE cup of coffee at a time, cost us $139.99!
     What can I say? My wife wanted it, so I bought it for her. If she didn't get it, she wouldn't be happy. And if my wife's not happy, then nobody's happy. On the other hand, if I'm not happy, nobody cares.
     But, once again, I digress...
     When my Dad got back, he took his little dog off his leash, and the doggie ran straight for his water dish. My Dad had something else in mind. He took off his walking hat, and I could see a light sheen of perspiration on his forehead. I guess despite the cool weather, my Dad had warmed up a bit. Maybe it's that sweater he always wears.
     He opened the door to the freezer, and started rummaging around.
     "What are you looking for, Dad?" my wife asked him. She's helpful that way.
     My Dad didn't answer. Maybe he didn't hear, maybe he did. Who knows? What he did do was continue to rummage around in the freezer.
     If there's one thing I can say about my wife, she's not a quitter.
     "If you tell me what you're looking for, I can tell you if we have it or not."
     That got my Dad's attention.
     He looked up, but kept the freezer door open. I swear I could see little dollar signs floating away with the cold mist.
     "Don't we have any cherry Popsicles?" he asked her, and I know you know what's coming.
     "Sorry, Dad," she told him. "I haven't been to the store, and that's all that's left from the variety pack."
     "I swear," my Dad said grumpily, as he finally shut the freezer door, "I don't know why you buy those variety packs. You know I only like cherry."
      My Dad didn't raise a fool. I wisely kept my eyes on the Sport's page of my newspaper, but I must admit...
     ...I had the biggest smile on my face.
 
 


Raising My Father
     @JimDuchene
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
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