Husbands, Mainly Wives

 What is marriage? 

     Well, my friends, marriage is accepting into your life a partner to help you solve the problems you didn't have when you were single. It's a constant battle between two people, one who can't sleep if it's too cold and another who can't sleep if it's too hot. 

     When you first fall in love, it's the best time of your life. I don't know why that has to change after you get married, but it does. I'll admit, marriage is a fine institution, but have you ever seen the inside of an institution? 

     I retired earlier this year, and if there's one thing I've learned from my retirement it's that husbands and wives weren't meant to spend great quantities of time together. Like an Italian salad dressing, you can shake up the bottle but the illusion of the oil and vinegar mixing in perfect harmony is temporary. I'm good for an hour in the morning without making her mad and a few hours in the evening without her doing the same to me. 

     A whole day together? 

     It's just not what nature intended. 

     So I negotiate these treacherous waters by doing one of two things: 1) When I'm wrong, I apologize, and 2) When I'm right, I also apologize. 

     It's just easier that way. 

     Whenever you see a married couple walking together and the wife is a few steps ahead of her husband, you can be sure he didn't apologize for whatever it was he did to make her mad. They say wives live longer than their husbands. In this paragraph's example, that wife will live longer just to have the last word. 

     I married for love and was pleasantly surprised it came with the additional bonus of someone who remembers where my car keys are. Which goes to show how important memory is to a good marriage. Unfortunately for my wife, she married someone who never remembers birthdays and anniversaries. Unfortunately for me, I married someone who never forgets them. You see, marriage is not just remembering to be romantic, it's also about remembering to put your underwear in the hamper. Like a marital vitamin, I supplement my wife's minimum daily requirement of aggravation.

     Wouldn't marriage be better if couples were required to live separately and only visit each other occasionally? I could drop by whenever my wife felt frisky or the children needed correction. 

     Since I bring the subject of children up, do you know what the worst thing is about having them? You'll go from wanting to teach them everything you know to realizing it's easier to just bang your head against the wall. For example, who knew you'd have to explain to them that the classic rock vinyl records you've had since your college days were not Frisbees? 

     When my buddy Maloney asked me what I thought about him getting married so late in life, I told him that if she was a good woman he'd be happy and if she wasn't it would help him build character. "You'll go from the sweet promises of many girlfriends to the harsh complaints of one wife," I said. He was looking for advice, but the best I could manage was advising him to get married in the morning. That way if it didn't work out he'd still have time to find a date for later that evening. 

     I've heard to have a successful marriage the most important question a husband can ask his wife when she's cleaning the house is "Can I help?" Don't be fooled, my friend. Volunteering to do housework will only make it your job for the rest of your life. 

     As I bring this column to an end, let me assure you that I'll love my wife no matter what she does. My only question is: Why does she have to do so much of it? Still, complaints and all, I consider myself fortunate to have found my one true soul mate who I can happily spend the rest of my life annoying. 

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.” —Unknown