The Root Of All Evil

 RaisingDad

The Root Of All Evil

“in God we don’t trust”

   

There’s a quote by Oscar Wilde that goes: “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

My father has a similar saying. He says, “Son, if you’re going to borrow money, borrow from family. They’re least likely to put you in jail.”

     Myself, I like what Ambrose Bierce said about borrowing. He said–and I’m paraphrasing here–an acquaintance is a person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. That’s an important lesson about money to learn. I taught my kids the importance of money by not having any.

     I was dropping off or picking up someone at the airport many years back, so many years that I can’t remember which it was or who it was, but what I do remember is I had an old dollar bill in my pocket I was trying to get rid of because it was old and in really bad condition. Parking was a buck, which should give you an idea of how long ago it was, so I handed it off to the girl at the exit gate. She looked at it as if it had just come out of a cute puppy’s digestive tract.

“I can’t accept this,” she said.

“That’s all I have,” I told her back.

Reluctantly, she lifted the bar and I drove off.

     The dollar itself was perfectly fine, just old. Bills in that condition are usually taken out of circulation and destroyed, but this one had so far managed to escape that fate. I didn’t want it, they didn’t want it, and that’s the sad thing about getting old. Nobody wants you, even if you’re worth something.

     These days I have a different problem that involves money. I’m talking about change. You know, coins. I always start off with a few in my pocket, but then it grows to the point where people can hear me coming down the street. My wife gets rid of hers by giving it to me, adding to the problem. Not only is she beautiful, but she doesn't jangle when she walks. But for every problem, there’s a solution, and Walmart had mine. It sold bags of coin sleeves. Sleeves, wrappers, tubes. Whatever you want to call them. Some for quarters, some for dimes. Nickels. Pennies. Using those sleeves, I noticed that all the faces, except for Lincoln, are facing forward. I guess he learned the hard way to always be aware of who’s standing behind you.. I’ve long thought we should just have quarters for change. Forget the lower denominations. The upper ones, too. Who needs a dollar coin, or even a half-dollar? When I’m elected president that’s the first thing I’ll do. Get rid of the change.

     But I digress…

     Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. I use my change now to fill up those sleeves. It’s become fun. Like a game. But some people don't like to play games. And, by those people, I’m talking about Barnes & Noble. I’d call it my favorite bookstore, but, since it’s the only one in town, it’s not like I have a choice. Gone are Waldenbooks, Crown Books, B. Dalton, Borders. They may exist in an alternate dimension somewhere, but not where I’m at. I never thought I’d live in a time where I’d go to a bookstore and find an empty building. I don’t know why bookstores and newspapers are going out of business. Is it that people are no longer reading? Is it inflation? You know what inflation is, don’t you? It’s when you pay twenty dollars for a ten dollar haircut that used to cost you five back when you still had hair. That’s why it’s so surprising B&N keeps giving me a hard time taking my money. You would think they’d WANT my money.

     You see, once I’m done filling up those coin sleeves, I take them to Barnes & Noble and buy gift cards with them. In fact, I put them in the freezer before I do so I can take them cold hard cash. I can understand the cashiers not wanting to count out $25 worth of loose pennies, but there’s no reason for them to give me the high hat over quarters and dimes. Two rolls of quarters and one of dimes comes out to $25. A roll of nickels comes out to two bucks, so I’ll buy a lottery ticket with it. A roll of pennies is fifty cents, so I’ll use that to… to… well, I don’t know what I’ll use that for, especially since my wife won’t let me use it to tip servers at a restaurant anymore, so if you know anyone who needs a lot of pennies, send them my way. 

     The first time I made the exchange, the girl who helped me was very nice. The second time it was a young gentleman who didn’t understand the concept of currency. He picked up the phone.

     “I have to call my manager,”he said.

     “For what?” I answered. “To ask if you can accept money?”

     The most recent time was a nice lady who also didn’t know if she could accept rolled quarters as legal tender. She looked to the cashier standing next to her for guidance. 

     “We can’t accept those,” the other cashier said, looking relieved, like she dodged the bullet of my not going to her.

     I was annoyed by her response. 

     Even more than usual.

     “The United States Government says this currency is good for ALL debts public and private,” I told both cashiers, quoting the dollar bill, “and you’re not accepting it for WHAT reason?”

     Long story short, my cashier wasn’t especially happy counting out eighty quarters and fifty dimes, but she stayed polite, it went fast, AND I got my gift card.

    ************************

They say money talks.

Mine just waves goodbye.

theduchenebrothers@gmail.com

@Alacazowie