"Mazda?" "Mazda!"

My wife is on a diet, and when she's on a diet, I'm on a diet, but this morning, without her having to tell me, I gathered up my willpower, showed some restraint, and treated myself to a doughnut without sprinkles. 

    I can't blame her for my misery, however. Not completely. The order came down from our doctor, and my wife is good about obeying the doctor's orders. At least when it pertains to me. When it comes to herself, her secret to sticking to a diet is ending the day with a Hostess Snowball. 

     Hostess. The superfood of snacks.

    On a positive note, my doctor also determined I was too old for a midlife crisis, so I no longer have to worry about embarrassing myself in social situations, but it also means I'll soon be wandering around saying things like:

     "Where are my glasses?"

     "What did I come in here for?"

  

     "Why am I going to the bathroom so often?"

     You see, my father has been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer's, which means somewhere down the line I'll probably be diagnosed pre-Alzheimer's, but while my memory is still functional let me commend the fine people at Mazda for a commercial I recently saw that sensitively handles the topic of Alzheimer's and Dementia sufferers. 

     In it, an older lady must have skipped her meds and wandered out of the house, not knowing who she was or where she was. We then see her daughter, who was frantically driving around, searching for her. Spotting her, the daughter quickly pulled into someone's driveway, blocking the lady’s ability to escape and the owner's ability to leave.

     "Mazda," the mother says, getting in. You almost ran me over.

     "Mazda," the daughter says. Just get in the car.

     Because of the mother's mental decline, they've apparently trimmed language down to one word, that word being "Mazda," and use it to express a variety of things, like: 

     "Where are my glasses?" 

     "What did I come in here for?" 

     "Why am I going to the bathroom so often?" 

     With her mother safely in the car, the daughter begins to back up but the car has other ideas and stops suddenly as another car behind them speeds by, missing them by inches. 

     "Mazda," the mother says. What are you trying to do, kill me? 

     "Mazda," the daughter replies. Shut up, you old bag! You've never loved me! 

     All is well. 

     That is, until the next time her mother skips her meds. 

     Bravo, Mazda. 

     You're more than a car company. 

     You also make trucks. 

     Unlike the daughter in that commercial, who could afford to drive around wasting gas looking for someone who would eventually show up at her doorstep courtesy of the police, I’m frugal. This is because I grew up young and poor. Now, after years of hard work, I can honestly tell you I'm old and broke. All my life I've heard it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but I would have settled for a compromise. Like being rich and making other people miserable. 

     Sadly, as the years passed, the only thing I've gotten is gray hair and an itchy scalp. Still, there were lessons to be learned. 

     Along the way to geezerhood, I've learned procrastination is a good thing. It gives you something to do tomorrow and blesses you with nothing to do today. 

     Also, I’ve learned there really is no point in women coming with an instruction manual. We men may complain otherwise, but which of us have ever actually read an instruction manual? Or asked for directions? Or have listened to more than every other word our wives have spoken? 

     Fortunately, I learned early in my life to never get any tattoos. Can you imagine how old and faded and wrinkled they'd be by now? They'd look like my mother-in-law. 

     I'm only kidding about them looking like my mother-in-law. 

     I meant my ex-wife. 

     Watching the parade of ink at the mall one recent afternoon, my ten-year-old granddaughter asked me why I didn't have any tattoos. 

     "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?" I asked her back, amused by my own cleverness. 

     "What's a Ferrari?" she said.