as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
RaisingDad
by Jim and Henry Duchene
The Sky Is Black!
“a glitch in the simulatrix”
It was raining.
Not pouring, but steady.
I had already let the dogs outside to do their business. They weren't happy, but they do what they're told. My father, on the other hand, is a stubborn old coot. That’s okay. So am I.
He was sitting at the kitchen table. At the HEAD of the kitchen table. You know... MY chair.
"You'll have to skip your walk today, pop," I told him. "It's raining."
"No, it's not," he said.
My father is a man who doesn’t like to be told what to do. It had only rained all night. That morning was no different.
"Of course it's raining," I told him. "Look outside."
"I AM looking outside," he said, not looking outside.
"Touch your dog. He's wet. That's because it's raining."
My father called his dog over and petted him affectionately. I could tell he was hoping for dry fur to prove me wrong, but the look on his face told me he was touching a wet, stinky dog.
"Dry as a bone," he insisted.
The situation started to get frustrating.
"He's wet, because it's raining. Can't you hear it?"
"Hear what?"
"The rain."
"The what?"
"The rain."
What was I thinking? My father‘s ears… well, let’s just say if he went to court, it wouldn’t be called a hearing.
He pretended to listen.
"I don’t hear anything ," he finally said, which was probably true.
My father is pre-Alzheimer’s, so he has his moments, but rain is rain. Still… at my age… why argue? He may have been the immovable object, but I wasn’t in the mood to be an irresistible force.
That's when my wife made her entrance. Have I told you she’s beautiful? She is. Anyway, she walked into our kitchen just as I had conceded defeat.
She’s got that kind of timing.
"Good morning,” she greeted us cheerfully.
My father wasn’t so cheerful.
"I'm going for a walk," he grunted, making his statement sound like a complaint.
"A walk?" my wife sputtered, giving me the stink eye. "But it's raining."
"It’s not raining," he insisted. "Touch my dog."
I remember telling her something similar when we were first dating. All it got me was a sharp elbow to the gut. I still laugh about it, and she still pretends to be mad.
"Dad," my wife pleaded.
"It was, but it stopped. Now's my chance to get my walk out of the way. Before it starts up again."
"But it hasn't stopped."
"Sure it has. Touch my dog. He's dry as a bone."
"I'm not going to touch your wet dog."
That's similar to what I heard just before I was assaulted. Which reminds me of a joke:
“A peanut walks into a bar. He was assaulted.”
Think about it.
Anyway, she lectured him that not only was it wet, but the rain clouds were low and it was foggy. Did he want to catch a cold?
My father’s not one to be lecture.
"There’s no fog," he pooh-poohed.
"Yes, there is," my wife insisted.
"Where?"
"Outside!"
My father looked outside. I looked at my wife. My wife looked at me.
“He’s your problem,” her eyes said.
There must have been a glitch in The Simulatrix (April 2022). Otherwise my father wouldn’t be insisting it wasn’t raining when it obviously was.
When I was in high school I was about as obnoxious a know-it-all as they come–you know, your typical teenager–and that led to countless arguments between my father and I.
"The sky is black!" he would finally tell me when he had enough.
The sky is black?
What he meant was it didn't matter if he was wrong. If he said something, then it was so. Of course, I didn't buy that argument for a second, and that led to even more arguments. Which brings us back to…
He got up, grabbed his windbreaker, his hat, and headed to the back door leading out of the house, probably trying to will the precipitation to stop, but it didn't. The rain was as stubborn as my father.
I know what you’re thinking, but what could I do? Tie him down? There’s not enough duct tape in the world for that. Plus, I don’t think I’d do well in prison for elder abuse.
Two minutes later, he was back. Not soaking, but wet. He walked in, shaking his head with a sheepish grin. He sat down and didn’t say anything.
And neither did I.
************************
Why walk in the rain when you can jump in the puddles?
@JimDuchene
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