My Dad and I are sitting in the great room.
I have my back to him. I'm drinking coffee and writing on this blog, which is what I do when I'm not buffing the oak floors or being driven nuts by my father.
My Dad is drinking his tea. My wife makes it special for him every morning and every day.
"What do you do to make it so special?" I asked her once. I was teasing her, so I didn't really expect an answer.
"I make it with love," she tells me, putting me in my place.
And she does. Makes it with love, I mean.
I look up from my computer. I think I hear my Dad, um, gargling?
Hmm... I sit, listen, and wait.
A few seconds later I hear him gargling again.
Slowly, like my imaginary days as a SEAL Team Six soldier, I get up and walk to an area where I can watch him and not be seen. I watch as my Dad takes a sip of tea from his cup, tilts his head back, and gargles. He does this four or five times.
I have my back to him. I'm drinking coffee and writing on this blog, which is what I do when I'm not buffing the oak floors or being driven nuts by my father.
My Dad is drinking his tea. My wife makes it special for him every morning and every day.
"What do you do to make it so special?" I asked her once. I was teasing her, so I didn't really expect an answer.
"I make it with love," she tells me, putting me in my place.
And she does. Makes it with love, I mean.
I look up from my computer. I think I hear my Dad, um, gargling?
Hmm... I sit, listen, and wait.
A few seconds later I hear him gargling again.
Slowly, like my imaginary days as a SEAL Team Six soldier, I get up and walk to an area where I can watch him and not be seen. I watch as my Dad takes a sip of tea from his cup, tilts his head back, and gargles. He does this four or five times.
Just to make sure that I'm seeing what I'm seeing and hearing what I'm hearing, I asked him, "How's the tea, Dad?"
My father looks at me, lifts his cup at me in a kind of toast.
"Your wife makes good tea." he says, takes a sip. "Ahhhh," he says, appreciatively.
I don't know if I've told you, but I like to hike. My Dad likes to walk and I like to hike. I guess it runs in the family. Hopefully, when I turn 95-years-old like my father recently has, I'll still be high-stepping it just like him.
My father looks at me, lifts his cup at me in a kind of toast.
"Your wife makes good tea." he says, takes a sip. "Ahhhh," he says, appreciatively.
I don't know if I've told you, but I like to hike. My Dad likes to walk and I like to hike. I guess it runs in the family. Hopefully, when I turn 95-years-old like my father recently has, I'll still be high-stepping it just like him.
One day, I had just finished a hike. I won't tell you where it was, but it was pretty grand. I like to start early so I can finish early. I don't like waking up early to accomplish this, but that's the price I have to pay. Anyway...
I was standing next to this heavy (for you politically incorrect types: fat) guy. He was with his whole family, including his mother-in-law, who was wearing Gucci hiking boots.
Gucci hiking boots?
Yes, Gucci hiking boots.
I didn't even know they made Gucci hiking boots. What serious hiker wears crap like that?
Anyway, there were four or five young kids, an excessively grown man with a very expensive watch, his wife, and his mother-in-law. They were all wearing expensive hiking clothes. I guess they were there to entertain me, because that's what they were doing. I would have already been heading home, having accomplished what I went there to accomplish.
The abundantly grown man was waiting for his wife to come back. She had gone to get him a steak lunch, because, as everybody knows, you want to get as full as you can on as heavy a meal as possible, before you go on a hike.
Mr. Fat-Ass Guy, I call him that with all due respect, was bragging to anyone who had the misfortune to be within listening distance of him, that he was going to hike down for a few miles. To make a long story short, he left wearing brand new boots (they didn't look broken in), cheap shorts (made from the finest polyester blend that money could buy) and an Under Amour (that was too small and not-long-enough) long-sleeve t-shirt. Plus, the day was already starting to warm up nicely. Hot hikes are another reason I wake up so early to perform my insanities. I call my hiking insanities because it's not like I get paid for them. There's not a cash prize at the end of my hike. But it combines the top two things I love: Working Hard and Working For Free.
So, with great fanfare, he leaves into his Trail of Tears, smiling and talking to himself as he leaves. I look back and see his whole family in a souvenir store. Instead of joining her husband on his hike, the guy's wife is buying $35 t-shirts for all the kids, a $50 walking pole for her mother who I notice isn't walking, and a new $300 Grand Canyon watch for her husband, complaining all the while that he doesn't wear cheap watches. I couldn't help but notice the watch he had been wearing. It looked expensive... but it sure wasn't a Rolex. The wife even buys a couple of $45 t-shirts for a stranger that she just met.
Unfortunately, I'm not the stranger. My wife and father would have liked those t-shirts, and I would have liked not being the one paying for those t-shirts. Anyway...
The mother-in-law looks at me. She sees me looking at her in her Gucci hiking boots and carrying her brand new walking pole (which is the proper way to use a walking pole: you carry it). She smiles. I smile back.
One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that no matter how old we get, we still like to flirt and feel attractive to the opposite sex, just like when we were teenagers.
A few hours later I see the guy returning from his hike. I have to laugh because he's still got his expensive boots, but he's carrying them in his hands... and the soles are completely gone! He's not even wearing socks, he's walking barefooted.
Picture this: brand news boot with no bottoms! He completely wore the soles down to nothing. He gets to his family and starts complaining about his brand-new boots and his brand-new socks, and how they didn't even make it fifty yards before they started falling apart.
His whole family were sitting in the shade waiting for him and eating ice cream that his wife had paid for. They were ignoring him as best they could without actually being rude about it. I guess they've heard all this before.
The mother-in-law turns to me (No, really, she does.) and whispers confidentially, "Isn't he ever happy?"
Unfortunately, I'm not the stranger. My wife and father would have liked those t-shirts, and I would have liked not being the one paying for those t-shirts. Anyway...
The mother-in-law looks at me. She sees me looking at her in her Gucci hiking boots and carrying her brand new walking pole (which is the proper way to use a walking pole: you carry it). She smiles. I smile back.
One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that no matter how old we get, we still like to flirt and feel attractive to the opposite sex, just like when we were teenagers.
A few hours later I see the guy returning from his hike. I have to laugh because he's still got his expensive boots, but he's carrying them in his hands... and the soles are completely gone! He's not even wearing socks, he's walking barefooted.
Picture this: brand news boot with no bottoms! He completely wore the soles down to nothing. He gets to his family and starts complaining about his brand-new boots and his brand-new socks, and how they didn't even make it fifty yards before they started falling apart.
His whole family were sitting in the shade waiting for him and eating ice cream that his wife had paid for. They were ignoring him as best they could without actually being rude about it. I guess they've heard all this before.
The mother-in-law turns to me (No, really, she does.) and whispers confidentially, "Isn't he ever happy?"
Raising My Father
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jimduchene.BlogSpot.com Fifty Shades of Funny
@JimDuchene
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