RaisingDad

  Barackula   As we make our way into the mid-term elections, I can't help but remember something unexplainable that happened to me on Halloween Eve of 2008.      On that night, I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about my old wedding videos. It was something way scarier than that. Even scarier than the Kardashians without make-up.      It was close to midnight. I was walking by myself in the Downtown section of the city I was born and raised in. Heading nowhere in particular,  I found myself by the old movie theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid. Years later, it became an adult theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether. Eventually, the theater went out of business. Authorities chained the two front doors shut and put up a sign th...

  (When I wrote this back in 2014, these were the politicians in power, so, of course, these were the politicians I made fun of. From Bush to Trump I've followed that great tradition, with Biden somehow getting a pass. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. ) Halloweenies Well, another Halloween is just around the corner, and, while I know that it's not everyone's cup of water turned into wine, I can certainly understand why it's the perfect holiday for politicians. It's the one night a year where you can go around from house to house, with your hand out, and demand goodies under threat of retribution. But what I like best about Halloween in El Paso is you never know who's going to show up at your front door. Ding dong!  "Trick or treat!" Last year, my first little trick-or-treater of the night was none other than Barack Obama. He was dressed as the President of the United States of America. He promptly emptied the bowl of candy I offered, as well as m...

  The Tell-Tale Trump by Stephen King as told to Jim Duchene You're right, you're right. I'm nervous. Dreadfully nervous. But crazy? I only wish I were. You see, I've always found Donald Trump entertaining, in a monkey playing the accordion kind of way, but I never thought he'd be president. Then he stole the election, the only known instance of that ever happening. I could live with that. I bore him no ill will. It was only four years, after all. How much damage could he do? But his tweets! They drove me nuts! No, not nuts. Not nuts. I'm not nuts. I swear I'm not. Soon, you might say, I became obsessed with Trump and his hellish tweets. Obsessed isn't the same as insane, is it? Of course not. Every time I picked up my smart phone I'd scurry to Twitter to read the latest verbal monstrosities from not-my-President Trump. Idiotic ramblings. Lies. Misinformation. There was no horror I have ever created as a writer that was more terrifying than this lyin...

  Once upon a time... It was Goldman who gave me the bad news. "She's dying," he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was the Queen of England's official biographer, and an old friend of mine. I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen. I guess I should begin at the beginning. At the beginning of World War Two, when she was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting me. She knew my name, but never called me by it, and nothing gave her as much pleasure as ordering me around. "Stable-boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." "As you wish." "As you wish," was all I ever said to her. "Stable-boy, clean the stables." "S...

  Back in the day, writers used to be paid by the word, that's why our classics are so looong. And, in addition to that, what else was there to do? You could spend six hours enjoying an opera, and not feel it's gone on five hours too long, much like the fans at a baseball game. You can't tell me Edgar Allan Poe's classic poem The Raven doesn't ramble far longer than it should. I don't know what seems longer, reading The Raven or suffering through one of my mother-in-law's visits. At any rate, that's why I rewrote it for today's audience. An audience whose time and attention span is limited. The Raven Once upon a midnight dreary, My eyes bloodshot, my vision bleary, Something knock-knock-knocked at my chamber door. Feeling, I, a wee bit drunky, Hadn't bathed, smelling funky, So whomever was there I decided to ignore. Yet there it waited, a stately raven, An ebony bird in search of haven, Thus it continued knocking, and then knocked some more. ...

  The Great Pumpkin's Lament Linus was heartbroken. He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve. "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes." But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened. "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where  are  you?" Wait a minute... You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is? Well... On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children. However, he visits only the pumpkin patches of the little children who believe in him and rewards those very same little gir...

  Trick Or Treating In El Paso Trick or treating in El Paso is always a lot of fun, and I look forward to doing it again this year, but consider this a friendly warning, folks: If you want candy, plenty of candy, and I'm talking about the good stuff... DON'T go to the homes of any of our local politicians. Last year, I had the great idea that surely they would have the best candies.  Genius,  I thought.  Can't miss.  So, when my kid's candy bags were almost full, we all hopped into my car. First stop was the Mayor's house. My kids screamed when his door creaked open. "Oh, my gosh!" I yelled out, excitedly. "It's the Crypt Keeper...  with a guitar! " "I'm not the Crypt Keeper. I'm Mayor John Cook." "What a great costume." "I'm not wearing a costume," he said, dryly. And then he perked up. "Want to hear a song?" "No, thanks," I told him. "You've already scared my kids enough...

Dog Day Halloween Charlie and Buster were digging in the backyard when they found an old metal box. "Maybe there's money inside." "Yeah, it could be worth its weight in Puppy Chow." They both laughed at Buster's bad joke. When they forced the rusted box open they were disappointed. It was only a book. Someone's diary. Ruffling forward through the pages, they began to read parts of it out loud. January 1, 2014: Former El Paso Mayor John Cook's new law has been in effect for three years now. The one prohibiting the sale of dogs less than a year old within the city limits. It was a shame that, until then, dogs could be bought and sold like, well, animals. Hurray! Hurray for Mayor Cook! The two friends looked at each other. "Can you believe this?" Charlie asked. Buster just shook his head. June 27, 2015: The last of the pet stores went out of business today. Those poor employees. Losing their jobs. Especially in this bad economy. But that's...

  Fear The Fish As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon  appears  to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it. "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math." AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice. I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art. "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have computers." "And who'...

  Is Your House Haunted? From the disembodied head floating in your living room to the one night stand who doesn't want to leave, these may all be signs that your house is haunted. I've never seen a more paranormal infestation than the time Rebecca G. called me to see what I could do about some random guy she made the drunken mistake of bringing home one Friday night. He spent the night, didn't leave all of Saturday, and slept on the couch when he discovered Ms. G. was only easy after throwing back a few  Jose Cuervos  on a dare. By Sunday, he was quite comfortable making his own breakfast, and she felt compelled to call me in a panic, quite rightly believing he would  never  vacate the premises. She was right. Guys such as him are supernatural leeches. Like a cat, they never leave once they've been fed. So I called a priest, not to conduct an exorcism, but to perform a marriage ceremony. That guy couldn't find the exit door fast enough. Who Am I? My name is Lou...

Ozombie bin Laden when hell is full the dead will walk the earth I have nightmares. It's been years, and I still have nightmares. It all began with a simple phone call. From the President. And when the President calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But this particular phone call caught me by surprise. "I want you to go to Pakistan," he told me, smoothly. "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Osama bin Laden is dead." "Of course he's dead," I answered. "We've both seen the video." I paused... and then we both broke up laughing at the same time. Video. What a joke. "And don't worry," he assured me. "Your little, ah, 'problem' in the Middle East has been smoothed over." That's Obama for you. Mr. Smooth. And that's how I found myself back in Pakistan, taking a freight elevator down to the basement where bin Laden's murdered body...

  Abbott & Costello Meet Six Word Horror Stories For Sale. Chainsaw. Only Used Once. ********** His insides… were on… his outsides. ********** Something dripped on her face… blood? *********** She lay motionless. I already knew... ********** "Heard you were dead."  "I am." *********** "..3, 4, better lock the door…" ********** You should have locked the door. ********** They're right in front of you. *********** Cupid's arrow had a poison tip. ********** The setting sun never rose again. *********** Turns out, it wasn't a nightmare. *********** James Corden's coming to your restaurant. ********** A Tremors-inspired Six Word Horror Story: Giant worms. Digging holes. Eating people. ********** Grinning, the clown closed the door. ********** "Howdy, stranger. We've been expecting you." ********** Eat it, before it eats YOU! ********** "Your account shows some unusual activity." ********** Woke up with my kidney missi...