RaisingDad

        On our vacation in Mexico ​,  the all-inclusive resort we stayed at for the first week was located right on the beach. White sand. Blue water. Thonged women. One in particular revealing a roundness that a perfectly proportioned peach would envy. I’ve never seen so many bottoms in my life.  Some old, some young, some too young. I made it a point not to look at that last category. You never know if Chris Hansen from  To Catch a Predator  is hiding in the bushes.      I don't mean to judge, but I wonder about fathers who let their daughters dress like that . One father at the beach was even taking selfies with two daughters who looked like they had just entered their teens. I wanted to tell him, “Hey, buddy, two thongs don’t make a right.”  Sure, that’s a bad pun, but that pun remind ed   m e  I  needed  to go through my   youngest  daughter’s closet and throw some s tuff  ...

     ​ We were in Mexico for two weeks.      My wife and I considered this vacation our official honeymoon   s ince  we never went on a proper one when we jumped the broom  25 years ago .  ​      The first week we spent at an exclusive resort in Cancun called Krystal. It was all-inclusive, meaning the food, the drinks, the female companionship was already paid for. I'm kidding about the female companionship part. At least if my wife is reading this. ​      As we entered the resort, the first  person  who came up to us was a   guy selling timeshares. I tell my kids when someone you don’t know walks up to you with a smile on their face they want to sell you something, and this guy had a BIG smile on his face. ​      He was young, with movie-star good looks, so  I took a picture of him schmoozing my wife and her cousin Laura  and sent it to my youngest daug...

        Well, I'm back. ​     I wish I could promise you twice the jokes to make up for the time I was gone and didn't publish, but that's not going to happen.       Yes, my friends, it seems like only yesterday I was drowning in the ocean, and now I'm home pulling weeds. For those of you kind enough to ask, my wife and I had a great time. It was fun. Really, really fun.       Two days into it I was ready to come home.       I missed my girls.      The flight to Cancun was uneventful, the pilot even managing to keep the plane upright the entire journey. A lot of people were traveling. Even men with man buns. I saw a girl wearing a  Hawk  Tuah  t-shirt, but, as it turns out, it just said Hua Tul Co, which was a fancy way of spelling the city of Huatulco, which was named after the 60s television dance show  Hullabaloo .      L...

   By the time you read this I'll be retired.      My older brother, who I sometimes write this column with, retired years ago because he’s, well, older.      I knew it was time for me to retire because everything at work began to irritate me. Heck, these days I get irritated when they rearrange the aisles in a grocery store.       To celebrate this milestone, my wife and I are traveling to Mexico for a second honeymoon. I love Mexican food, so I’m really looking forward to it. You never realize how little self-control you have until chips and salsa are placed in front of you. I’ve tried cooking Mexican food myself, but it just isn’t the same. Speaking of cooking, have you noticed how everybody has their favorite stove top burner? We don’t talk about it, but it’s true.      Anyway, my point is I’ll be off and not posting anything for two weeks. When I used to read Dave Barry and Gene Weingarten (who are also avai...

  Early in my first marriage, my starter wife gave me Teddy Ruxpin for my birthday.      Teddy Ruxpin was the first animatronic toy. A stuffed bear similar to the ones in Disneyland's Country Bear Jamboree. It talked and sang, moved its mouth and eyes, and I couldn't think of a better way to waste a bunch of money. Her gift should have been a tipoff that my marriage wasn't going to last.      "Don't you love it?" she gushed.      I pretended to be grateful, but it was obvious the person who she had really gotten that doll for was herself.  I'm not saying my first wife was selfish, but she was.      Cut to the present, a second marriage, a different wife, and another birthday.      My wife and I were born six days and ten years apart.       Her on the 16th, and me on the 10th.       "What year?" I can hear you ask.      "None of your business," ...

My father likes honey in his tea. This morning, out of the kindness of my heart, I went to a farmer's market and bought him some raw honey, straight from the beehive. I even bought him a flavor my wife assured me he liked, Orange Blossom. I didn't know honey came in different flavors, but that's neither here nor there. Well, that's not quite true. The honey's here and my money's there. Later, as my wife was making his tea, she told him how I went out of my way just so he could have a local honey to sweeten it with. My father insists local honey is good for his allergies. I don't suffer from any, so I wouldn't know about that, but if  he  thinks it does... "You'll like it, dad," I told him. "The guy I bought it from harvests the honey himself." The honey contains no extra ingredients, and it's not cheap. I told him that, except for the "it's not cheap" part. My father picked up the jar and looked at it with intere...