RaisingDad

Your Halloween Horrorscope hello you are one day closer to death Happy Birthday!   If you were born on this date, you can look forward to a long life full of happiness and prosperity. Just as long as you don’t listen to those voices in your head telling you to kill.     Also Born On This Date   Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Jodi Arias, Ariel Castro,  al-Qaida     Aries (March 21-April 19)   What’s that mole on your skin?  Hmmm… it looks like cancer.   Taurus (April 20-May 20)     When you go to sleep, be sure to close your closet door all the way .   Gemini (May 21-June 20)   What’s sharper? A straight razor or a surgeon’s scalpel?  Don’t know?  Don't worry about it… you’re about to find out.     Cancer (June 21-July22)   Isn’t it ironic that your astrological sign is also cancerous?   Leo (July 23-August 22)   Are you the kind of person who thinks it would be fun to have your thr...

  My Halloween Tweets The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty. ************************* For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy.  For myself.  The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves. ************************* He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.   ************************* Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie?  You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.   ************************* To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb.  I'd say most of you have got this covered.   ************************* Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake again at the Super Bowl if they were to ask.  Don't beg, Janet.  It's beneath you.   ************************* "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a werewolf."  "Thank goodness! I tho...

  Barackula   As we make our way into the mid-term elections, I can't help but remember something unexplainable that happened to me on Halloween Eve of 2008.      On that night, I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about my old wedding videos. It was something way scarier than that. Even scarier than the Kardashians without make-up.      It was close to midnight. I was walking by myself in the Downtown section of the city I was born and raised in. Heading nowhere in particular,  I found myself by the old movie theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid. Years later, it became an adult theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether. Eventually, the theater went out of business. Authorities chained the two front doors shut and put up a sign th...

  (When I wrote this back in 2014, these were the politicians in power, so, of course, these were the politicians I made fun of. From Bush to Trump I've followed that great tradition, with Biden somehow getting a pass. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. ) Halloweenies Well, another Halloween is just around the corner, and, while I know that it's not everyone's cup of water turned into wine, I can certainly understand why it's the perfect holiday for politicians. It's the one night a year where you can go around from house to house, with your hand out, and demand goodies under threat of retribution. But what I like best about Halloween in El Paso is you never know who's going to show up at your front door. Ding dong!  "Trick or treat!" Last year, my first little trick-or-treater of the night was none other than Barack Obama. He was dressed as the President of the United States of America. He promptly emptied the bowl of candy I offered, as well as m...

  The Tell-Tale Trump by Stephen King as told to Jim Duchene You're right, you're right. I'm nervous. Dreadfully nervous. But crazy? I only wish I were. You see, I've always found Donald Trump entertaining, in a monkey playing the accordion kind of way, but I never thought he'd be president. Then he stole the election, the only known instance of that ever happening. I could live with that. I bore him no ill will. It was only four years, after all. How much damage could he do? But his tweets! They drove me nuts! No, not nuts. Not nuts. I'm not nuts. I swear I'm not. Soon, you might say, I became obsessed with Trump and his hellish tweets. Obsessed isn't the same as insane, is it? Of course not. Every time I picked up my smart phone I'd scurry to Twitter to read the latest verbal monstrosities from not-my-President Trump. Idiotic ramblings. Lies. Misinformation. There was no horror I have ever created as a writer that was more terrifying than this lyin...

  Once upon a time... It was Goldman who gave me the bad news. "She's dying," he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was the Queen of England's official biographer, and an old friend of mine. I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen. I guess I should begin at the beginning. At the beginning of World War Two, when she was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting me. She knew my name, but never called me by it, and nothing gave her as much pleasure as ordering me around. "Stable-boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." "As you wish." "As you wish," was all I ever said to her. "Stable-boy, clean the stables." "S...