RaisingDad

    Christmas In El Chuco 'Twas the night before Christmas, Right here in  El Chuco , I was drinking outside, Talking  chisme  with Tuco. My black socks were hung Like Christmas stockings, you see, My wife, she has four kids. Myself, I have three. When what to our watering eyes Should appear, It was  Papá Noel , With a sleigh full of beer. He brought Tecate, Coors Light, And even Budweiser. And then, for much later, Some Viagra from Pfizer. His eyes, how they twinkled Behind wire-framed glasses. He was here to bring beer To the beer-drinking masses. "Ay,  loco ," I told him. "Come join us, my friend." But he had just gotten started, And must get started again. As he started to leave, He gave a high-five. "Merry Christmas to all, And don't drink and drive!"    

  Life is always an adventure with my father.  An embarrassing adventure.  And until I started telling you about them, I never realized just how many of these adventures take place away from home.  Anyway... We were sitting in the waiting area of his doctor's office. One of his  many  doctors, I might add, and one of his many doctor's appointments. The office was packed, and we found ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the room. Wherever I go, I usually bring a book to read. Either that, or I use my phone to write stories. Like this one. The person in the chair next to him heard his name called and went inside to have his vitals taken. The way he slowly shuffled away from us, I think his vitals were taken from him years ago. An elderly lady came into the office. Seeing the only chair available, she hobbled over to sit next to my father. Just then, my father's name was called. As the lady was sitting down, my father stood up. Maybe a bit too fast... BRAAA...

My Thanksgiving was pretty low-key.  I had the Obamas over. B.O. and I have been friends ever since we were Community Organizers together back in Chicago.  Don't believe me?  Well, here's a link of us at work back in the day: https://youtu.be/MiOHQ4Rhgx4   So, when President Obama calls, I jump.  But this time it wasn't President Obama who actually called me. It was his wife. "I found your number in my husband's secret address book," she told me.  There was an edge to her voice.  For some reason she never liked me.  I put the phone down.  It usually takes her 27 minutes to get to the point. When I picked the phone back up, she was saying, "...so I need you to host Thanksgiving for us. I'd do it myself, but I'm getting my hair done."  She hung up before I could answer.  And that's  how I got stuck cooking a turkey with all the trimmings yesterday.  When they knocked, as a practical joke I pulled down my zipper and stuck the...

  First and foremost, I'm thankful for the re-election of President Donald Trump, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  I know the official story is he avoided the draft by claiming to have bone spurs, but the truth is he was secretly assigned to F.E.R.R.E.T. Force Five, my old special ops outfit. We were an elite group of mercenary misfits and he was in charge of refreshments.  Thanks to the greatest president in my lifetime I made it back home and was able to live long enough to look back and wonder "What the heck have I done with my life?" You see, I've worked hard all my life to support my wife, my family, my mistresses. Now I figure it's time to let the government do it. Why? Because I can. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed a houseful of hungry kids, some of whom might even be yours? Well, neither does the government, that's why they're better suited for the job. School supplies?  I say, if the government requires us to send our ...

  I can't believe it.  There's going to be  so  much food.  I retired earlier this year, so this will be my first Thanksgiving where I don't have to work the day after, and judging by my wife's menu for our upcoming feast it looks like I'm going to spend the entire 4-day weekend digesting.  Heck, I'm still full from   last  year.  But before I sit down to begin my yearly tradition of eating more than anyone else, let me take a few minutes to tell you what I'm thankful for. First off, I'm thankful for holidays. They are the only days out of the year when I can eat what I want. Thanks to the special diet my doctor has me on, I'm only allowed to eat natural foods. That means when I'm hungry I have to go outside and lick a tree. I'm thankful I haven't heard much about the government shutting down again because, as we all know, if you don't hear anything then everything must be all right.  When the government shuts down it comes with more ...

  The Simpsons  in   “La Ariana De Esa Cantante Es Muy Grande”       Thanksgiving.      A time to be grateful for... Mr. Burns!      Who mistakenly thinks the holiday is a celebration of him.        Mr. Burns: “Ah, Thanksgiving. The day when a grateful Springfield gathers to celebrate my virgin birth."            Cut to:            News Anchor Kent Brockman: “Happy Thanksgiving everybody, as we honor a man I have a deep admiration for. An admiration that grows in direct proportion to the payola I receive.”            Cut to:            Mr. Burns. Observing the Thanksgiving festivities going on around him.        Mr. Burns: “I don’t get it,...