RaisingDad

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   My elderly father, who lives with my wife and I, has his own set of keys to our house, so he comes and goes on his walks as he pleases. I used to try to look out for him, but no matter what I suggested, he’d do the opposite.      "Pop," I'd tell him, "It's hot. Why don't you wait until it cools off?"      "It's not hot," my father would say on his way out. On his way back in, he'd say, "Man, was it hot. I should have waited until it cooled off."      "Pop, it’s cold."      "Pop, it's raining."      "Pop, it's getting dark."      I retired from a job I really enjoyed to become a weatherman for my father.      On this particular day, my father gets home feeling good. So good, in fact, that he decides to go on an afternoon walk. The problem is, he can't...

D  is for  D emons      They live down below E  is for  E dgar      As in Allan or Poe S  is for  S pirits      With malicious intent E  is for  E vil      Man’s eternal torment R  is for  R amses      He called Moses a chump T  is for  T ombstone      Bet you’d thought I’d say Trump    E  is for  E erie      You should say your farewells X  is for the dimension      Where the unknown there dwells P  is for  P otion      A witch’s foul brew O  is for  O diferous      One sniff, you’ll say “Ew!” S  is for  S hysie      A silent vampire U  is for  U ...

as featured in Desert  Exposure  Magazine desertexposure.com    As I was writing this month’s column, my father shuffled up behind me and peeked over my shoulder.      “What are you writing?” he wanted to know.      “Just a story, pop,” I told him.      Every month I sit down to write this column, and every month he asks me what I’m writing. I don’t know if he’s forgetful or just doesn’t pay attention to my answer. Probably a combination of both.      When my readers ask if he gets angry concerning these stories, I tell them no. For him to get angry, he’d first have to READ these biographical musings. If there’s a choice between reading RaisingDad or watching the very expensive premium baseball channel my wife and I pay for, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t make it to the literary World Series.      “Woo- wee! ” he said, looking...

sing to the tune of Neil Sedaka's  Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Can’t doo-doo Ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Getting old is hard to do    It takes so long for me to pee I start at two and I end at three Forget to zip when I'm through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    Transgendered men, it hurts to think How'd it feel chopping off my dink Either way, my sex life's through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Feet hurt bad My hair's thinning, too Limp dick that will only bend If I weren't so old I could be filling my wife's hole again    I beg of you, just let me die When I bend my knees I start to cry My insides all turning to goo ' Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Eyesight's gone My hearing is, too Will this constipation end?...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com I know I complain about my father.      In fact, I probably complain about my father a lot, but I do give him credit for the nuggets of wisdom he’s passed on to me. Before my first marriage, he told me, “Son, if you’re ever tempted to cheat on your wife, make sure it’s with someone worth losing your marriage over.”      Good advice. Too bad my ex-wife didn’t follow it, maybe we’d still be married. In the end, it worked out better. I met and married my second wife. She’s beautiful AND she loves to cook. That’s a nice combination.      My ex-wife?      Well, she and her boyfriend lost their jobs when they got caught stealing refrigerators from where they worked. How you steal something that big is beyond me. Maybe that’s why I’m still employed. Still, it didn’t surprise me. When I woke up the morning after our wedding ...

I called our father on Monday, and he said that you sounded very sad the last time you spoke with him on the phone, maybe even crying.      “How come, pop?” I asked, not really interested.    “He was depressed because every time he comes to town, he gets mistaken for a Kardashian from behind.”       RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.Blogspot.com JimDuchene.Blogspot.com American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene   

I figure the conversation you had with your wife when she told you she was going to Cleveland went like this:      Your Wife: “I’m going to Cleveland.”      You: “Who’s in Cleveland?”      Your Wife: “Not you.”        RaisingDad RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com. American Chimpanzee @JimDuchene