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The Toilet Roll Holder--part two

Remember last week when I told you how my father was constantly breaking the shower curtain rod?  Well…      "Honey," my wife said to me, again giving me her sweetest smile. "You need to repair the toilet paper holder in dad’s bathroom."      "What?" I said, almost spitting out my coffee.      I would have sprayed it out in a comedic double-take except for two reasons: 1) it’s expensive, and 2) it's delicious. I may be cheap—I mean, frugal—but I also appreciate perfection. Gourmet coffee is too precious a commodity to be wasted trying to be funny.      But I digress...      “Why ?” I asked my lovely wife.      Actually, I knew why. It was my father. Godzilla may have lumbered through downtown Tokyo knocking down skyscrapers, but that giant lizard's got nothing on my father when it comes to breaking things. So, when I asked my wif...

Funny Shades of Grey--chapter thirteen

    Chapter Thirteen    The next day, I call my mother.   I can always count on her for a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.   "So... why haven't you called?" she asks me.   "I've been too busy, mom," I tell her. "What with graduating and moving and not calling you."   "Too busy?" she says sweetly. "It's a good thing I wasn't busy 21 years ago when I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!"   "I know, mom. I know," I tell her. "Thank you for giving birth to me."   "So... have you found yourself a boyfriend?"   "Hunh? Ah? Wha?" I hunh ah wha. Oh, sure... like I'm really going to tell her about the billionaire sex maniac I'm dating? "As a matter of fact, I'm dating a billionaire sex maniac with control issues who wants me to sign a contract to become his submissive."   "So... he's single? Well, if you want my advice..." she starts to say and I start to dri...