RaisingDad

My elderly father and I were sitting in the waiting room of his doctor du jour . I'd make a joke about how old the magazines were, but what would be the point? Besides...       If the patients can be elderly, why not the magazines?       Another elderly man sitting next to us was taking advantage of one of those magazines, however. It was an ancient issue of People, and he was doing the crossword puzzle. Crossword puzzles never age. If you haven't done it, then it's new to you.       The elderly gentleman went through it pretty quick, but then got stuck on one particular clue.      My father, always quick to make another person's business his own, leaned back and sneaked a peek over the man's shoulder.      "Wager," my father told him.      "Excuse me?" the man said, lifting his eyes.      "A five-letter wor...

If there's one thing my parents taught me, it's that marriage  has its ups, it's downs, and it's amber waves of grain.      Many were the times that during the time change (Spring forward, Fall back), my mother would change the clocks on her way to bed, my father would change them a second time when he joined her an hour or two later, and we found ourselves being early or late to wherever we were going the entire next day.      Once, when I was but a wee lad, we were on our way somewhere (let's say church, because it sounds good), and we came upon some road construction. A worker, using a flag, waved my father in a different direction and my father obediently did as he was instructed.       This wasn't lost on my mother.      "You did what that man with the flag told you to do," she pointed out to my father, who's been known to be stubborn.      "Of course I did," he said. "He had a flag." ...

The only thing my elderly father enjoys more than shopping with my wife at one of those members-only warehouse stores is sticking his nose into other people's business. Recently, he got to do both.      We were in line to pay for our too much of everything, and my father was looking at his box of corn dogs. He was in the mood for ONE, so, of course, my wife insisted on buying him a carton of 42.      When my dad finally put it down, he looked up and saw the customer standing in front of us, who was very tall.      "Dang, you're a big one," my father told him, stating the obvious. "How tall are you gonna be when you reach your full growth?"      "I'm six-ten" the man answered. He was polite, but obviously tired of continuously being singled out.      "Wow!" our eavesdropping cashier chimed in. "I'M four-eleven, and you're TWICE as tall as I am."      My father took this in, and then lean...

Reluctantly, my lovely wife and I had to leave my father alone for more than a few minutes one morning. We don't usually like to do that, but some things can't be helped.      "I'll be fine," he assured us, waving us off, "I'll be fine."      Hmm, I though to myself, I wonder what he's up to? I'm not saying my father's as much trouble as the average toddler or teen.      I'm saying he's more.      Fortunately, our house was still standing when we got back home, and we found my father sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of hot tea.      "How did it go, Dad?" I asked him, cautiously taking a look around. Everything seemed okay.      "It went fine," he told me.      "That's good," I said, letting myself relax a bit.      "Except for the fire alarm."      "Fire alarm!" I sputtered. "What ABOUT the fire alarm?"      "It went...

Whenever I'm asked if I smoke, I answer, "Only for the first 18 years of my life."      My father was a smoker, you see, and the amount of second-hand smoke I inhaled could have choked a horse, assuming that horse was a non-smoker.      When I was about 10, my father was out of cigarettes and drove me to the store to buy him some. You could do that in those days.      The problem was, it was POURING. It was raining so hard when I looked to the other side of the street I saw animals lining up two by two.      So we get in the car, pull out of the carport, and my father drives to the nearest convenience store. I get out and immediately get soaked.      Umbrella?      My father didn't believe in wasting money on things you rarely used. If he bought me an umbrella, what would he have to buy me next, a personal lightning rod?      Before I could run off, he open...

Reluctantly, my lovely wife and I had to leave my father alone for more than a few minutes one morning. We don't usually like to do that, but some things can't be helped.      "I'll be fine," he assured us, waving us off, "I'll be fine."      Hmm, I though to myself, I wonder what he's up to? I'm not saying my father's as much trouble as the average toddler or teen.      I'm saying he's more.      Fortunately, our house was still standing when we got back home, and we found my father sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of hot tea.      "How did it go, Dad?" I asked him, cautiously taking a look around. Everything seemed okay.      "It went fine," he told me.      "That's good," I said, letting myself relax a bit.      "Except for the fire alarm."      "Fire alarm!" I sputtered. "What ABOUT the fire alarm?"      "It went...

I have a low tolerance for bullshit.      I got it from my father.      When he was in the Army during World War Two, he was always bouncing back and forth between ranks because when he was asked for his opinion, he gave it. Sometimes when he wasn't asked, too. My father, you see, judged a man by his intelligence and abilities, not his title.      One time, an officer made the mistake of introducing himself to my father as he was working on the engine of a jeep.      "I'm your new C.O.," the officer told him. "What needs to be done around here?"      The officer was obviously talking about the bigger picture of things that needed to be done, but my father was more practical.      "Well," my father said, wiping his forehead with the back of one hand and leaving a greasy streak, "this workspace needs to be swept out. Why don't you grab that broom over there and put it to work?"   ...